As the Cloud Pirate descended, Mr Jamie thought that he might feel a little bit scared. It was hard to feel scared while he was doing his Fierce Face though, and even harder when he turned around and saw the Tickling Honda's Fierce Face. The Tickling Honda's Fierce Face looked like he was having a really massive poo, and when Mr Jamie started thinking about the Tickling Honda pooing he got the giggles, and while he tried to keep on looking fierce it was very difficult to look fierce and giggle at the same time. He kept his mouth tightly shut, but it was no good, he couldn't stop giggling, which meant that a very strange noise came out of his closed mouth. Sort of a "mmmmmoooooohoooooooommmmm", which is what happens if you try and laugh without opening your mouth.
Beth heard the "mmmmmoooohoooooommmm" noise, and turned round to look at Mr Jamie. Unfortunately Beth wasn't very good at turning around while standing up (particularly when standing in a cot which was flying through the air), which meant that she fell over and landed on her bottom. Then Mr Jamie started properly laughing because Beth looked so funny sat on her bottom with her legs pointed up in the air, and then Beth started laughing, firstly because she really liked the "mmmmooohoooommmm" noise that Mr Jamie had been making when he was trying not to giggle at the Tickling Honda looking like he was doing a poo, and secondly because she she just really liked laughing. Mr Jamie and Beth looked at each other and laughed like drains, until Mr Jamie fell over with all the laughing. The Tickling Honda looked at them and tried to look even fiercer, which made him look like he was having an even BIGGER poo, and Mr Jamie and Beth laughed, and laughed, and laughed. They laughed until their tummies hurt, and when they thought they could laugh no more they sat back up again ... and saw the Cloud Pirate IN THE COT WITH THEM.
Mr Jamie stopped laughing at once. Beth didn't. Beth laughed at everything though, even really silly things like when someone had ketchup on their face. Beth looked at the Cloud Pirate and laughed. The Cloud Pirate wasn't laughing at all. He was doing a Properly Fierce Face, not a pooing one like the Tickling Honda. Mr Jamie could see that, as well as his big beard, he had a big shiny silver sword which he kept in his belt. Mr Jamie thought he might like to have a sword belt like that. He only had his pants which he always had to tuck his sword into. That was okay, but it did mean that whenever you walked around you fell over the end of your sword. He didn't think the Cloud Pirate would have that problem.
Mr Jamie looked at the Tickling Honda to see if he was going to say anything to the Cloud Pirate, but he had stopped doing his Fierce Face and was now just doing a I'm A Bit Scared Face. Beth was still laughing - and didn't know how to talk, anyway, unless you wanted to say 'Hiya' a lot - so Mr Jamie thought he had better say something.
"Hello. Are you a Cloud Pirate?" Mr Jamie thought there was probably no harm in checking.
"Of COURSE I'm a Cloud Pirate." The Cloud Pirate didn't sound very happy at all.
"I'm Mr Jamie, and this is the Tickling Honda, and this is Beth. She's only a baby."
"Why is she laughing at me?"
"She's laughing because we thought the Tickling Honda looked like he was doing a poo, and then Beth fell over, and then I fell over, and then we all laughed and laughed until you came over here and scared us." Oops. Mr Jamie hadn't meant to say that he felt scared. Fortunately, the Cloud Pirate didn't seem to have noticed.
"So she's not laughing at me?"
"I'm not sure. She might be, but I don't think so. She's just Beth. She's a bit mad. Don't worry about her, Cloud Pirate."
The Cloud Pirate gave Beth a bit of a worried look, as if he thought she might be going to eat him. Beth stopped laughing, and stared at the Cloud Pirate, and suddenly shouted out "YABAYABAYABA" VERY loudly and grabbed the Cloud Pirate's beard.
Mr Jamie thought the Cloud Pirate would get out his sword and hit Beth with it, but instead he panicked, grabbed his beard, jumped up and ran over into the corner of the cot.
"Don't let her get me, don't let her get me." Mr Jamie thought the Cloud Pirate might even be crying a little bit. He was going to tell the Cloud Pirate not to worry about Beth, but then he thought it might be better to pretend that Beth was really, really scary.
Mr Jamie put on his fiercest, scariest voice. "You're right, you should be scared. Beth is VERY scary, and she likes to EAT Cloud Pirates. We've seen lots of Cloud Pirates on the way here, and ALL of them are now in Beth's tummy." Beth helpfully did a big burp at this point and the Cloud Pirate shook like a jelly and scrunched himself up in the corner of the cot.
"Don't let her get me, please don't let her get me. I don't want to be eaten." Beth licked her lips. Mr Jamie thought for a moment. Hmmmm. Maybe this was an opportunity to get rid of the Cloud Pirate and get some really cool Stuff.
"Well. Okay. I will make Beth not eat you, but you have to give us three things? Okay?" The Cloud Pirate nodded. "I need a big map, one which shows all of the islands on. Have you got one of those?" Mr Jamie looked fierce.
"Yes. Here you go. This is the biggest map I've got. It shows everything." The Cloud Pirate passed it over to Mr Jamie, who nodded in approval.
"Good. I also need your sword. It looks a bit too dangerous for you to be running around with." Mummy often said that to Mr Jamie when he had his sword in his pants.
"Here it is." The Cloud Pirate gave his sword to Mr Jamie. It was very heavy.
"Last of all ... I need your sword belt. Otherwise I won't have anything to put my sword into." Mr Jamie thougth the Cloud Pirate would say no to this, but Beth was starting to crawl towards him and so he just made a little 'meep' sound, unbuckled his belt and put it into Mr Jamie's hands.
"Is that everything? Can I go now?"
"You can go", said Mr Jamie, "but before you do, have you seen the Tickling Honda's island anywhere?" The Tickling Honda, who had been quiet up until this point, nodded in excitement.
"What's a Tickling Honda?", asked the Cloud Pirate.
"Oh ... never mind", said Mr Jamie. "Go on. Off you go." And the Cloud Pirate did. He climbed up his rope as fast as his little legs would carry him. Unfortunately, without his sword belt his trousers were too loose, and as he was about to step up into his boat they fell right down and you could SEE HIS PANTS. Mr Jamie and Beth thought this was very funny. So did the Tickling Honda, although he sighed a bit sadly.
"If only he had been a bit nearer to me. I could have tickled his bottom. I do miss tickling bottoms."
"NO, Tickling Honda. Now, come on. We need to have a look at this map and see if we can find your island. And I need you to help me put my sword belt on. Isn't it brilliant?"
Mr Jamie couldn't believe his success. They'd fought off the Cloud Pirate, they'd got a map to find the Tickling Honda's island, and he had the best sword and sword belt ever. This was turning out to be a BRILLIANT adventure.
Wednesday 28 December 2011
Tuesday 27 December 2011
Chapter Five
… the mast of a boat.
“Is that a boat? I thought we were up in the sky. Have you not been concentrating, Tickling Honda? Are we going to fall into the sea?” Mr Jamie was rather worried.
“Ah … um … no, no, don’t panic. We’re not going to fall into the sea” said the Tickling Honda. “We have however got a very little tiny bit of a problem.”
“Don’t worry”, said Mr Jamie. “I’ll help you sort out your problem. What do you need?” Mr Jamie liked sorting out problems.
“Um … um … I don’t suppose you happen to have brought a sword with you?”, asked the Tickling Honda.
“YES! Yes I have!” Mr Jamie was VERY excited. He knew it had been a good thing to bring his sword with him. Except … where was it? It wasn’t down his pyjama trouser leg where he thought he’d left it. He looked around the cot … and saw Beth, holding his sword, poking it through the bars of the cot and just about to let it go.
“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. GIVE ME MY SWORD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.” Mr Jamie jumped up into the air and threw himself on top of Beth, grabbing the handle of his sword just as it was about to plummet down to earth. Mr Jamie was very relieved. Beth just looked a bit squashed. “Oops. Sorry Beth, but you know you’re not allowed to play with my sword. It’s for big boys, and you’re a little girl.”
“BabababababaYAbaya”, said Beth. Which Mr Jamie knew meant: “I wasn’t playing with it. I was just having a look. And now I’m going to have a wee in my nappy.”
“Here you go Tickling Honda”, said Mr Jamie. “Here’s my sword. What do you need it for?”
“Ah … um … well.” The Tickling Honda looked a bit suspicious, like Mr Jamie sometimes did when he was doing something he shouldn’t do and Mummy came and found him and asked him if he was behaving himself. “Have you ever heard of Cloud Pirates?”
“CLOUD pirates?” Mr Jamie was confused. “I know about pirates, and I know about clouds, but what is a Cloud Pirate?”
“It’s a pirate that lives in the clouds”, said the Tickling Honda.
“Oh”, said Mr Jamie. It was a bit obvious when the Tickling Honda said it like that. “I like pirates. And I like clouds. Are Cloud Pirates goodies?”
“Hmmm. Well. That’s the problem”, said the Tickling Honda. “Some of them are goodies, but some of them are really Bad Baddies.”
“Badder than Darth Vader?”, asked Mr Jamie.
“Worse. Badder than Jabba The Hut,” said the Tickling Honda. He paused dramatically, but Mr Jamie didn’t think he could have got that right. Everyone knew that Darth Vader was the Baddest Baddie that there was. Jabba The Hut liked eating poo, which was a bit disgusting (well, very disgusting), but he wasn’t a really Bad Baddie. Mr Jamie thought that Cloud Pirates might not be that bad after all.
“Can I see a Cloud Pirate?”, asked Mr Jamie.
“I don’t think you’ve got a choice”, said the Tickling Honda. “Look over there …”
The Tickling Honda pointed over the side of the cot next to where Beth was sitting, and Mr Jamie could now see not only the mast but the entire ship, sailing quickly towards them through the clouds. It was black, with lots of really big sails and a big bad scary looking skeleton flag at the front. Mr Jamie thought maybe he didn’t really want to see a Cloud Pirate after all. He moved a little bit closer to the Tickling Honda (who was looking very worried) and put one hand on his sword, and the other one on his willy, just to keep them both safe. He hoped the Cloud Pirates wouldn’t see them, and would just go sailing by to find some other Cloud Pirates to have some fights with and take all their treasure. If they just kept really quiet …
Unfortunately, it seemed that Beth liked Cloud Pirates a LOT. The moment she saw the boat coming towards them she pulled herself up onto her feet and started shouting very, VERY loudly at the Cloud Pirate boat. “BaBAyaYAbabababaYAbaYAbayayayaya.” Which Mr Jamie knew went: “I don’t know what that is over there but I really really REALLY want to get it and put it into my mouth to see whether it’s something good to eat.” Mr Jamie sighed. Beth could be so silly sometimes. Even she couldn’t eat a whole ship, and now look what she’d done. Mr Jamie could see some people – Cloud Pirates, he assumed – running onto the deck and shouting and pointing in their direction.
“Oh Beth. You silly baby. Now look what you’ve done.” The ship was now moving very quickly towards them, and Mr Jamie could see the faces of the Cloud Pirates. They didn’t look very happy, although they all had extremely big beards, so it was quite hard to tell. Mr Jamie thought he might like to grow a beard when he was a bit bigger. He could do that, because he was a boy. Girls couldn’t grow beards. That would just be silly.
“Tickling Honda, what shall we do?” Mr Jamie looked over at the Tickling Honda, who looked VERY worried.
“Um … um … um … well, I suppose we’ll just have to sit here and see what happens. Get your sword out, and if they start getting fierce then, well, just wave them at it and see if that makes them go away.”
“Shall we do our fierce faces?”, asked Mr Jamie. He had an excellent fierce face which he had been practising for a moment just like this one.
“If you like”, said the Tickling Honda. “Right then. Here they come. Don’t look scared, whatever you do …”
And, with their fiercest faces on, Mr Jamie, Beth, and the Tickling Honda watched as the ship drew up beside the cot, a rope was thrown over the side, and down the rope, heading towards them, came a very, very Bad looking Cloud Pirate …
“Is that a boat? I thought we were up in the sky. Have you not been concentrating, Tickling Honda? Are we going to fall into the sea?” Mr Jamie was rather worried.
“Ah … um … no, no, don’t panic. We’re not going to fall into the sea” said the Tickling Honda. “We have however got a very little tiny bit of a problem.”
“Don’t worry”, said Mr Jamie. “I’ll help you sort out your problem. What do you need?” Mr Jamie liked sorting out problems.
“Um … um … I don’t suppose you happen to have brought a sword with you?”, asked the Tickling Honda.
“YES! Yes I have!” Mr Jamie was VERY excited. He knew it had been a good thing to bring his sword with him. Except … where was it? It wasn’t down his pyjama trouser leg where he thought he’d left it. He looked around the cot … and saw Beth, holding his sword, poking it through the bars of the cot and just about to let it go.
“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. GIVE ME MY SWORD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.” Mr Jamie jumped up into the air and threw himself on top of Beth, grabbing the handle of his sword just as it was about to plummet down to earth. Mr Jamie was very relieved. Beth just looked a bit squashed. “Oops. Sorry Beth, but you know you’re not allowed to play with my sword. It’s for big boys, and you’re a little girl.”
“BabababababaYAbaya”, said Beth. Which Mr Jamie knew meant: “I wasn’t playing with it. I was just having a look. And now I’m going to have a wee in my nappy.”
“Here you go Tickling Honda”, said Mr Jamie. “Here’s my sword. What do you need it for?”
“Ah … um … well.” The Tickling Honda looked a bit suspicious, like Mr Jamie sometimes did when he was doing something he shouldn’t do and Mummy came and found him and asked him if he was behaving himself. “Have you ever heard of Cloud Pirates?”
“CLOUD pirates?” Mr Jamie was confused. “I know about pirates, and I know about clouds, but what is a Cloud Pirate?”
“It’s a pirate that lives in the clouds”, said the Tickling Honda.
“Oh”, said Mr Jamie. It was a bit obvious when the Tickling Honda said it like that. “I like pirates. And I like clouds. Are Cloud Pirates goodies?”
“Hmmm. Well. That’s the problem”, said the Tickling Honda. “Some of them are goodies, but some of them are really Bad Baddies.”
“Badder than Darth Vader?”, asked Mr Jamie.
“Worse. Badder than Jabba The Hut,” said the Tickling Honda. He paused dramatically, but Mr Jamie didn’t think he could have got that right. Everyone knew that Darth Vader was the Baddest Baddie that there was. Jabba The Hut liked eating poo, which was a bit disgusting (well, very disgusting), but he wasn’t a really Bad Baddie. Mr Jamie thought that Cloud Pirates might not be that bad after all.
“Can I see a Cloud Pirate?”, asked Mr Jamie.
“I don’t think you’ve got a choice”, said the Tickling Honda. “Look over there …”
The Tickling Honda pointed over the side of the cot next to where Beth was sitting, and Mr Jamie could now see not only the mast but the entire ship, sailing quickly towards them through the clouds. It was black, with lots of really big sails and a big bad scary looking skeleton flag at the front. Mr Jamie thought maybe he didn’t really want to see a Cloud Pirate after all. He moved a little bit closer to the Tickling Honda (who was looking very worried) and put one hand on his sword, and the other one on his willy, just to keep them both safe. He hoped the Cloud Pirates wouldn’t see them, and would just go sailing by to find some other Cloud Pirates to have some fights with and take all their treasure. If they just kept really quiet …
Unfortunately, it seemed that Beth liked Cloud Pirates a LOT. The moment she saw the boat coming towards them she pulled herself up onto her feet and started shouting very, VERY loudly at the Cloud Pirate boat. “BaBAyaYAbabababaYAbaYAbayayayaya.” Which Mr Jamie knew went: “I don’t know what that is over there but I really really REALLY want to get it and put it into my mouth to see whether it’s something good to eat.” Mr Jamie sighed. Beth could be so silly sometimes. Even she couldn’t eat a whole ship, and now look what she’d done. Mr Jamie could see some people – Cloud Pirates, he assumed – running onto the deck and shouting and pointing in their direction.
“Oh Beth. You silly baby. Now look what you’ve done.” The ship was now moving very quickly towards them, and Mr Jamie could see the faces of the Cloud Pirates. They didn’t look very happy, although they all had extremely big beards, so it was quite hard to tell. Mr Jamie thought he might like to grow a beard when he was a bit bigger. He could do that, because he was a boy. Girls couldn’t grow beards. That would just be silly.
“Tickling Honda, what shall we do?” Mr Jamie looked over at the Tickling Honda, who looked VERY worried.
“Um … um … um … well, I suppose we’ll just have to sit here and see what happens. Get your sword out, and if they start getting fierce then, well, just wave them at it and see if that makes them go away.”
“Shall we do our fierce faces?”, asked Mr Jamie. He had an excellent fierce face which he had been practising for a moment just like this one.
“If you like”, said the Tickling Honda. “Right then. Here they come. Don’t look scared, whatever you do …”
And, with their fiercest faces on, Mr Jamie, Beth, and the Tickling Honda watched as the ship drew up beside the cot, a rope was thrown over the side, and down the rope, heading towards them, came a very, very Bad looking Cloud Pirate …
Chapter Four
Outside in the cot it was very cold, and very dark. Mr Jamie sat on the mattress and held Beth’s hand. She had fallen asleep almost as soon as they’d got outside; once the Tickling Honda had managed to squeeze the cot out of the window. Mr Jamie thought, if he was honest, that the Tickling Honda probably wasn’t actually a very good driver. They had only just made it out of the window in one piece, and now the Tickling Honda was sitting right on the edge of the side of the cot and shouting strange, magical, Tickling Hondary type words. He was getting a bit overexcited, and Mr Jamie thought that if Mummy was there she would probably have told him to calm down and have a sleep. He quite fancied a sleep, actually. He snuggled in next to Beth under his Ben 10 duvet, had a sneaky fart to warm his legs up, and then shut his eyes and imagined he was flying high up in the sky with the Tickling Honda ...
When he woke up Beth was sitting on his head. (He hoped she wasn’t having a poo.) She was talking to the Tickling Honda, who was sitting at the other end of the cot with his frog legs tucked under Mr Jamie’s Ben 10 duvet. He saw Mr Jamie open his eyes and waved.
“Morning! Did you sleep well?"
“Yes thank you”, said Mr Jamie. Or, at least, that’s what he tried to say. Because Beth was sitting on his head what he actually said was “Mmmff fannn ooo”, but the Tickling Honda seemed to understand anyway. Beth, noticing Mr Jamie was awake, shrieked in delight and fell off his head and onto the Tickling Honda, who picked her up and sat her down next to him.
“BAAAAAAAAAAA ba ba ga ba ga ba ba ba” said Beth to Mr Jamie, which he knew meant “I’m very happy to see you, and I’ve had some nice milk to drink, and sorry for sitting on your head and having a poo on it.”
Mr Jamie’s stomach growled like a big angry dog. The Tickling Honda heard it.
“Would you like some breakfast?”
“Yes please”, said Mr Jamie. “I’d like toast with red jam please. That’s what Mummy makes me.”
“Toast with red jam?”, said the Tickling Honda. “Urrrrrgggggggghhhh. DisGUSTing.”
“It’s NOT disgusting”, said Mr Jamie. “It is very nice INDEED.”
“Tickling Hondas don’t like red jam”, said the Tickling Honda. “It makes us fart a lot.”
Mr Jamie laughed a LOT. So did the Tickling Honda.
“What do you have to eat instead?”, asked Mr Jamie.
“We have Plookies”, said the Tickling Honda. “Plookies are the Tickling Honda’s favourite food.”
“What’s a Plookie?”, said Mr Jamie.
“Here you go”, said the Tickling Honda. And he put a Plookie into Mr Jamie’s hand. It looked a bit like a biscuit, and a bit like a cake, and a bit like a wobbly jelly. It was pink and brown, and it had shiny silver sparkles all over it, and it wobbled all over. Mr Jamie put it in his mouth and it wobbled right through his mouth, down his throat and into his tummy. Mr Jamie pulled up his top and looked at his tummy. It was wobbling like a jelly where the Plookie was inside it! And when Mr Jamie looked at the Tickling Honda and Beth ... they had wobbling Plookie-filled tummies too!
“I like Plookies”, said Mr Jamie. “Can I have another one?”
“In a bit”, said the Tickling Honda. “First of all we need to make a plan.”
It was a lovely day and the sun was shining down on the cot. Mr Jamie could see blue sky all around them, and some fluffy white clouds underneath instead of a floor. They looked a bit like sheep. Beth had seen them too, and stuck her hand out between the cot bars and grabbed a bit of cloud. Before Mr Jamie or the Tickling Honda could stop her she shoved it in her mouth and swallowed it all down. Mr Jamie was a bit worried in case she choked, but she did a big smile and then had a burp. Beth liked eating clouds.
“Right then”, said the Tickling Honda. “What shall we do?”
Mr Jamie was a bit shocked. How did he know what to do? It was the Tickling Honda who had brought them up here and made Beth’s cot fly and put them up in the sky. Mr Jamie was only threenearlyfour. He didn’t know what they should do next.
“Ummm ... shall we find your island? So you can go back and see your hammock?” Mr Jamie really wanted to find out what a hammock was.
“That’s a very good idea”, said the Tickling Honda. “The only problem is, I don’t know where we are. We flew all this way in the dark, and now I’m a bit lost.”
“We got lost because of your stupid driving”, thought Mr Jamie, although he didn’t say this to the Tickling Honda. He didn’t want the Tickling Honda to get upset. Mummy got lost quite a lot, usually when she didn’t listen to the man talking inside her car telling her which way to go and decided to try and find her way there all by herself. Then they would stay in the car for a very long time, until Mr Jamie really needed a wee but they had to find their house first. Mummy wasn’t very good at listening.
“I know!”, said Mr Jamie. “We need a map. Pirates always use maps when they’re looking for treasure. Shall we go and find a map.”
“That’s a brilliant idea”, said the Tickling Honda. “Right then shipmates! About turn! Forward bound! Let’s hunt out a map, and then we’ll ... uh oh.”
“Then we’ll uh oh?”, said Mr Jamie. “What do you mean, then we’ll uh oh? What’s an uh oh?”
The Tickling Honda didn’t say anything. He just pointed. And Mr Jamie, and even little Beth, turned their heads, and looked out the side of the cot, and saw, through the clouds, coming towards them ...
When he woke up Beth was sitting on his head. (He hoped she wasn’t having a poo.) She was talking to the Tickling Honda, who was sitting at the other end of the cot with his frog legs tucked under Mr Jamie’s Ben 10 duvet. He saw Mr Jamie open his eyes and waved.
“Morning! Did you sleep well?"
“Yes thank you”, said Mr Jamie. Or, at least, that’s what he tried to say. Because Beth was sitting on his head what he actually said was “Mmmff fannn ooo”, but the Tickling Honda seemed to understand anyway. Beth, noticing Mr Jamie was awake, shrieked in delight and fell off his head and onto the Tickling Honda, who picked her up and sat her down next to him.
“BAAAAAAAAAAA ba ba ga ba ga ba ba ba” said Beth to Mr Jamie, which he knew meant “I’m very happy to see you, and I’ve had some nice milk to drink, and sorry for sitting on your head and having a poo on it.”
Mr Jamie’s stomach growled like a big angry dog. The Tickling Honda heard it.
“Would you like some breakfast?”
“Yes please”, said Mr Jamie. “I’d like toast with red jam please. That’s what Mummy makes me.”
“Toast with red jam?”, said the Tickling Honda. “Urrrrrgggggggghhhh. DisGUSTing.”
“It’s NOT disgusting”, said Mr Jamie. “It is very nice INDEED.”
“Tickling Hondas don’t like red jam”, said the Tickling Honda. “It makes us fart a lot.”
Mr Jamie laughed a LOT. So did the Tickling Honda.
“What do you have to eat instead?”, asked Mr Jamie.
“We have Plookies”, said the Tickling Honda. “Plookies are the Tickling Honda’s favourite food.”
“What’s a Plookie?”, said Mr Jamie.
“Here you go”, said the Tickling Honda. And he put a Plookie into Mr Jamie’s hand. It looked a bit like a biscuit, and a bit like a cake, and a bit like a wobbly jelly. It was pink and brown, and it had shiny silver sparkles all over it, and it wobbled all over. Mr Jamie put it in his mouth and it wobbled right through his mouth, down his throat and into his tummy. Mr Jamie pulled up his top and looked at his tummy. It was wobbling like a jelly where the Plookie was inside it! And when Mr Jamie looked at the Tickling Honda and Beth ... they had wobbling Plookie-filled tummies too!
“I like Plookies”, said Mr Jamie. “Can I have another one?”
“In a bit”, said the Tickling Honda. “First of all we need to make a plan.”
It was a lovely day and the sun was shining down on the cot. Mr Jamie could see blue sky all around them, and some fluffy white clouds underneath instead of a floor. They looked a bit like sheep. Beth had seen them too, and stuck her hand out between the cot bars and grabbed a bit of cloud. Before Mr Jamie or the Tickling Honda could stop her she shoved it in her mouth and swallowed it all down. Mr Jamie was a bit worried in case she choked, but she did a big smile and then had a burp. Beth liked eating clouds.
“Right then”, said the Tickling Honda. “What shall we do?”
Mr Jamie was a bit shocked. How did he know what to do? It was the Tickling Honda who had brought them up here and made Beth’s cot fly and put them up in the sky. Mr Jamie was only threenearlyfour. He didn’t know what they should do next.
“Ummm ... shall we find your island? So you can go back and see your hammock?” Mr Jamie really wanted to find out what a hammock was.
“That’s a very good idea”, said the Tickling Honda. “The only problem is, I don’t know where we are. We flew all this way in the dark, and now I’m a bit lost.”
“We got lost because of your stupid driving”, thought Mr Jamie, although he didn’t say this to the Tickling Honda. He didn’t want the Tickling Honda to get upset. Mummy got lost quite a lot, usually when she didn’t listen to the man talking inside her car telling her which way to go and decided to try and find her way there all by herself. Then they would stay in the car for a very long time, until Mr Jamie really needed a wee but they had to find their house first. Mummy wasn’t very good at listening.
“I know!”, said Mr Jamie. “We need a map. Pirates always use maps when they’re looking for treasure. Shall we go and find a map.”
“That’s a brilliant idea”, said the Tickling Honda. “Right then shipmates! About turn! Forward bound! Let’s hunt out a map, and then we’ll ... uh oh.”
“Then we’ll uh oh?”, said Mr Jamie. “What do you mean, then we’ll uh oh? What’s an uh oh?”
The Tickling Honda didn’t say anything. He just pointed. And Mr Jamie, and even little Beth, turned their heads, and looked out the side of the cot, and saw, through the clouds, coming towards them ...
Chapter Three
Mr Jamie felt a bit worried. He wanted to help the Tickling Honda, but he didn't know if he was going to be able to. It was usually grown ups who were best at helping, like when you cut your knee and they went and found a plaster. Mr Jamie didn't even know where the plasters were kept.
"Shall I get my Daddy for you? He might be able to help. Or my Mummy? She'd be really good at helping. The only problem is that sometimes she has a grumpy bottom, and if it's too grumpy then you had better not go too near her or she won't be very nice at ALL."
Now the Tickling Honda looked worried.
"Um, no, I don't think that's a very good idea. I'm a bit scared of Mummies and Daddies. Besides, I don't think they're going to be able to help me. But you might …"
The Tickling Honda looked at Mr Jamie with big, sad, dark eyes. He looked a bit like Beth when you'd eaten the last bit of your piece of cake and forgotten to share any with her. Actually, Beth would sometimes bite your leg when you did that, but Mr Jamie didn't think the Tickling Honda was going to do any biting. Just in case, he pulled his Ben 10 duvet round himself and made sure Darth Vader was next to his bottom to fend off any Tickling Hondas.
"Okay then. I will try to help you, but you're not allowed to tickle my bottom at all. Okay?" Mr Jamie did his very fierce face, which was a little bit like the face he pulled when he was doing a poo.
"Okay." The Tickling Honda still looked a bit sad. "I do really like tickling bottoms though."
"I tell you what", said Mr Jamie - a sudden thought having occurred to him - "if you see my Mummy you can tickle her bottom instead. That might make it stop being a grumpy bottom, and then everyone would be happy. Is that a good idea?"
"Oh yes, that's a brilliant idea." The Tickling Honda did a little excited bounce, and in his excitement, bounced too hard and fell off the bed onto the floor with a CRASH.
Uh oh.
Mr Jamie and the Tickling Honda held their breath and waited. Suddenly the baby monitor in the corner made a bit of a crackling voice and then Mummy started talking on it. For a long time Mr Jamie hadn't believed it was actually Mummy: he'd thought it was The Other Mummy and he didn't like The Other Mummy at all. Then Mummy had showed him how it worked and now he knew it was really her.
"Jamie? What are you doing?"
"Ummm … ummm … ummm …" Mr Jamie and the Tickling Honda looked at each other. If Mummy came upstairs now she'd see the Tickling Honda straight away, and then they'd all be in REALLY big trouble. Mr Jamie thought quickly. "Ummm … I was having a poo, and then I wanted to read a book, but while I was getting onto the toilet the book fell on the floor and made a big noise and that's what it was and there aren't any Tickling Hondas up here AT ALL."
Oops.
Luckily, Mummy was obviously thinking about something else. "Fine, well get back into bed now and stop making a noise. You'll wake Beth up. Night night. Love you."
At that point, Mr Jamie heard a strange "eeep" sound from behind him. He turned his head round to see the Tickling Honda, still on the floor, but now with his bottom up in the air where Beth had woken up, stuck her hand through the bars of her cot and grabbed the Tickling Honda's pink pig tail. The Tickling Honda looked very scared. Beth looked like she wanted to eat him.
"No, Beth. No, no, no. Put the Tickling Honda down. He's not your breakfast. NO Beth." Mr Jamie was very worried. If Beth and the Tickling Honda made too much noise then Mummy would come upstairs, and then they would really be in trouble.
"Baaaa-ba-yyyaaaaaa-ba-BA!" Beth looked delighted and dropped the Tickling Honda before pulling herself up on the bars of her cot and talking to Mr Jamie. "Baaaaaa-ya-ba-ya-bbbbaaaa-YAAAAAA." Which Mr Jamie knew meant "I like this Tickling Honda, but I'm making sure he doesn't tickle my bottom".
"Sssshhhh Beth. Be quiet. We have to help the Tickling Honda." And incredibly Beth was quiet, and they both sat staring at the Tickling Honda while he told them what they needed to do.
"I live on a little island out in the middle of the sea. It's called Tickling Honda Island. Well, that's what I call it, because I'm the only one who lives there. I'm not sure what anyone else calls it. I don't think they even know it's there. It's a really nice island with lots of trees and sandy beaches so you can make sandcastles, and a big statue of a bottom so I can tickle it all day long. I've got a nice bed called a hammock, which hangs up from a tree, and a little cave to go in when it gets cold, and all different types of food. I love my little island."
The Tickling Honda looked a bit like he might cry. "Can we go and see your island?", asked Mr Jamie.
"Well, that's the trouble", said the Tickling Honda. "I want to go and see my island too, but I don't know where it is."
"What do you mean, you don't know where it is?", asked Mr Jamie. "Have you not got a treasure map? How did you get here?"
"That's just it", said the Tickling Honda. "I don't know. One moment I was fast asleep in my hammock, and the next thing I was outside your front door. I had a little look around to see if I could see the sea, but I couldn't, and so I've got no idea how I'm going to find my island. Then your Daddy opened the door, and I sneaked in behind his legs and hid in the cupboard under the stairs until no one was looking. Then I ran up the stairs and into your bedroom, and now here I am. And I want you to help me."
"You want ME to help you?" Mr Jamie felt very excited. He was good at helping people, and he really liked islands. And boats. And hammocks. Well, he didn't really know what a hammock was, but he was sure he'd like it, just as soon as he found out what it was.
"Yes please", said the Tickling Honda. "You, and Beth, if that's okay?"
"But Beth can't walk", said Mr Jamie. He thought it would be a bit silly to bring Beth with them. She'd just shout a lot, and girls were rubbish at looking for islands.
"No", said the Tickling Honda, "she can't. But she doesn't need to. Because we can all get inside her cot, and I'm going to make it FLY." And with that he shouted a few magic words (it sounded like "Tickly-Bottomy-Hondery", but Mr Jamie wasn't sure) … and Beth's cot lifted right up off the floor, a big pair of white wings sprouting out the sides, with Beth still inside it. Beth shrieked and dropped her dummy onto Mr Jamie's head with excitement. "Come on!", shouted the Tickling Honda. "Up you come!" And he grabbed Mr Jamie under his arm, did a big "boing boing OINK", and jumped right up in the air on his frog legs so that he and Mr Jamie landed right inside the cot with Beth. Mr Jamie had just had time to grab Darth Vader and his sword, which he thought might be useful if they met any pirates on the way.
"Ready?", said the Tickling Honda.
"READY!", shouted Mr Jamie. "Come on Beth. Let's go have an ADVENTURE."
"Shall I get my Daddy for you? He might be able to help. Or my Mummy? She'd be really good at helping. The only problem is that sometimes she has a grumpy bottom, and if it's too grumpy then you had better not go too near her or she won't be very nice at ALL."
Now the Tickling Honda looked worried.
"Um, no, I don't think that's a very good idea. I'm a bit scared of Mummies and Daddies. Besides, I don't think they're going to be able to help me. But you might …"
The Tickling Honda looked at Mr Jamie with big, sad, dark eyes. He looked a bit like Beth when you'd eaten the last bit of your piece of cake and forgotten to share any with her. Actually, Beth would sometimes bite your leg when you did that, but Mr Jamie didn't think the Tickling Honda was going to do any biting. Just in case, he pulled his Ben 10 duvet round himself and made sure Darth Vader was next to his bottom to fend off any Tickling Hondas.
"Okay then. I will try to help you, but you're not allowed to tickle my bottom at all. Okay?" Mr Jamie did his very fierce face, which was a little bit like the face he pulled when he was doing a poo.
"Okay." The Tickling Honda still looked a bit sad. "I do really like tickling bottoms though."
"I tell you what", said Mr Jamie - a sudden thought having occurred to him - "if you see my Mummy you can tickle her bottom instead. That might make it stop being a grumpy bottom, and then everyone would be happy. Is that a good idea?"
"Oh yes, that's a brilliant idea." The Tickling Honda did a little excited bounce, and in his excitement, bounced too hard and fell off the bed onto the floor with a CRASH.
Uh oh.
Mr Jamie and the Tickling Honda held their breath and waited. Suddenly the baby monitor in the corner made a bit of a crackling voice and then Mummy started talking on it. For a long time Mr Jamie hadn't believed it was actually Mummy: he'd thought it was The Other Mummy and he didn't like The Other Mummy at all. Then Mummy had showed him how it worked and now he knew it was really her.
"Jamie? What are you doing?"
"Ummm … ummm … ummm …" Mr Jamie and the Tickling Honda looked at each other. If Mummy came upstairs now she'd see the Tickling Honda straight away, and then they'd all be in REALLY big trouble. Mr Jamie thought quickly. "Ummm … I was having a poo, and then I wanted to read a book, but while I was getting onto the toilet the book fell on the floor and made a big noise and that's what it was and there aren't any Tickling Hondas up here AT ALL."
Oops.
Luckily, Mummy was obviously thinking about something else. "Fine, well get back into bed now and stop making a noise. You'll wake Beth up. Night night. Love you."
At that point, Mr Jamie heard a strange "eeep" sound from behind him. He turned his head round to see the Tickling Honda, still on the floor, but now with his bottom up in the air where Beth had woken up, stuck her hand through the bars of her cot and grabbed the Tickling Honda's pink pig tail. The Tickling Honda looked very scared. Beth looked like she wanted to eat him.
"No, Beth. No, no, no. Put the Tickling Honda down. He's not your breakfast. NO Beth." Mr Jamie was very worried. If Beth and the Tickling Honda made too much noise then Mummy would come upstairs, and then they would really be in trouble.
"Baaaa-ba-yyyaaaaaa-ba-BA!" Beth looked delighted and dropped the Tickling Honda before pulling herself up on the bars of her cot and talking to Mr Jamie. "Baaaaaa-ya-ba-ya-bbbbaaaa-YAAAAAA." Which Mr Jamie knew meant "I like this Tickling Honda, but I'm making sure he doesn't tickle my bottom".
"Sssshhhh Beth. Be quiet. We have to help the Tickling Honda." And incredibly Beth was quiet, and they both sat staring at the Tickling Honda while he told them what they needed to do.
"I live on a little island out in the middle of the sea. It's called Tickling Honda Island. Well, that's what I call it, because I'm the only one who lives there. I'm not sure what anyone else calls it. I don't think they even know it's there. It's a really nice island with lots of trees and sandy beaches so you can make sandcastles, and a big statue of a bottom so I can tickle it all day long. I've got a nice bed called a hammock, which hangs up from a tree, and a little cave to go in when it gets cold, and all different types of food. I love my little island."
The Tickling Honda looked a bit like he might cry. "Can we go and see your island?", asked Mr Jamie.
"Well, that's the trouble", said the Tickling Honda. "I want to go and see my island too, but I don't know where it is."
"What do you mean, you don't know where it is?", asked Mr Jamie. "Have you not got a treasure map? How did you get here?"
"That's just it", said the Tickling Honda. "I don't know. One moment I was fast asleep in my hammock, and the next thing I was outside your front door. I had a little look around to see if I could see the sea, but I couldn't, and so I've got no idea how I'm going to find my island. Then your Daddy opened the door, and I sneaked in behind his legs and hid in the cupboard under the stairs until no one was looking. Then I ran up the stairs and into your bedroom, and now here I am. And I want you to help me."
"You want ME to help you?" Mr Jamie felt very excited. He was good at helping people, and he really liked islands. And boats. And hammocks. Well, he didn't really know what a hammock was, but he was sure he'd like it, just as soon as he found out what it was.
"Yes please", said the Tickling Honda. "You, and Beth, if that's okay?"
"But Beth can't walk", said Mr Jamie. He thought it would be a bit silly to bring Beth with them. She'd just shout a lot, and girls were rubbish at looking for islands.
"No", said the Tickling Honda, "she can't. But she doesn't need to. Because we can all get inside her cot, and I'm going to make it FLY." And with that he shouted a few magic words (it sounded like "Tickly-Bottomy-Hondery", but Mr Jamie wasn't sure) … and Beth's cot lifted right up off the floor, a big pair of white wings sprouting out the sides, with Beth still inside it. Beth shrieked and dropped her dummy onto Mr Jamie's head with excitement. "Come on!", shouted the Tickling Honda. "Up you come!" And he grabbed Mr Jamie under his arm, did a big "boing boing OINK", and jumped right up in the air on his frog legs so that he and Mr Jamie landed right inside the cot with Beth. Mr Jamie had just had time to grab Darth Vader and his sword, which he thought might be useful if they met any pirates on the way.
"Ready?", said the Tickling Honda.
"READY!", shouted Mr Jamie. "Come on Beth. Let's go have an ADVENTURE."
Chapter Two
… a VERY strange thing happened.
Beth was fast asleep in her cot and Mummy and Daddy were having their dinner downstairs. He was the only one awake upstairs, which is why it was so very strange that he could suddenly hear a noise coming up the stairs. Mr Jamie listened very carefully. It sounded a bit like a bouncy sound - kind of a 'boing, boing' - and then almost like a pig was coming up the stairs. "Oink … oink … boing … boing … boing boing OINK, boing boing OINK." It almost sounded like it could be … the Tickling Honda. But that would be silly. Tickling Hondas weren't real. They were just in stories. Like monsters, and hobbits, and hairy toes.
Mr Jamie hid almost completely under the duvet until only his nose and one eye was poking out. It was a Ben 10 duvet. He loved Ben 10. He hadn't ever actually seen Ben 10 on the TV, but that wasn't the point. Ben 10 was COOL, and so was Mr Jamie. And he had a watch and everything.
With the one eye poking out Mr Jamie watched the gate at the top of the stairs. If something was coming up the stairs then it would have to come through that first. And Mr Jamie was prepared. He had his knight's cloak under his bed, and his sword just on the pillow next to him. Plus he had Darth Vader, the Storm Troopers, and the entire Millenium Falcon. No baddies were going to get past all of them, no way. (Admittedly, having a sword, a spaceship, and a load of Star Wars men in bed with him did mean that Mr Jamie didn't have very much room, and quite often ended up with Darth Vader sticking into the side of his bottom. But that was okay. At least he was prepared for moments like this.)
Mr Jamie watched … and watched … and watched. He couldn't hear the "boing boing OINK"ing noise any more, and the eye under the duvet had already gone to sleep. The eye poking out was just about to join it (along with his nose) and go to sleep too, when all of a sudden ..
"BOING BOING OINK OINK OINK OINK BOING BOING OINK!" And, with a thud, Something jumped onto Mr Jamie's middle and gave him the fright of his life.
Mr Jamie was about to scream, but decided that Ben 10 wouldn't scream if something jumped on his middle. Ben 10 would have a look and find out what the Something was, and then he'd decide which one of his weapons he was going to use to fight it. And Mr Jamie wasn't scared. He had Darth Vader and almost twenty Storm Troopers on his side. AND his sword. Ha, Something. Take THAT.
Cautiously, and ever, ever so carefully, Mr Jamie peered over the top of his Ben 10 duvet and looked down at his middle.
And there sat the Tickling Honda.
Mr Jamie knew it was the Tickling Honda straight away. Not only did he have big long green legs like a frog, he also had a big pink hairy tummy like a pig and a little curly tail. His eyes were all big and wide apart like a frog and he had a funny pig nose which was sniffing around in the air. And he smelt BAD. Worse than Beth, when she'd done one of her really big stinky poos which had leaked out of her nappy and gone all over her trousers. Worse even than Jabba the Hut, who everyone knew smelt really bad because he liked to EAT poo (disguuuuuuuuuuusting). And this smelly, bouncy, Tickling Honda was now sitting in the middle of Mr Jamie's Ben 10 duvet and making a very funny face.
"Are you the Tickling Honda?", said Mr Jamie.
"Yes I am", said the Tickling Honda. His voice was a bit growly, and a bit rumbly, but also a bit grunty like a pig. It made Mr Jamie laugh. "Why are you laughing at me?"
"Sorry", said Mr Jamie. "It was just a little bit of a laugh because you've got a funny voice."
"So have you", said the Tickling Honda, which made Mr Jamie go a bit quiet. "And anyway. How did you know I was the Tickling Honda?"
"Because you're like a frog and a pig and you came up the stairs going 'boing boing OINK' and then you jumped onto my middle because you want to get to my bottom and tickle it, only I'm not going to let you because Darth Vader is next to my bottom and he'll get you with his light saver if you go anywhere near him." And he did a very fierce look at the Tickling Honda.
"You mean light saber", said the Tickling Honda.
"What?" Mr Jamie knew he should have said pardon, not what, but the excitement of meeting the Tickling Honda had got him all flustered.
"Light saber. Darth Vader's got a light saber, not a light saver."
"Oh", said Mr Jamie. "Do you like Darth Vader?"
"Not really", said the Tickling Honda. "He's a baddy, and I don't like the baddies. I only like the goodies."
"Oh", said Mr Jamie. He was a bit shocked by this. The Tickling Honda was a boy, and all boys liked baddies. "Are you a girl?"
"Do I look like a girl?" said the Tickling Honda.
"Ummmm … I don't know", said Mr Jamie. You look like a frog and pig, is what he wanted to say, but he didn't think the Tickling Honda would like that.
"Well, I'm not a girl. I'm a boy, a boy Tickling Honda, although there's only one of me. You don't get girl Tickling Hondas. I don't think you get any other Tickling Hondas at all, in fact."
"That's a bit sad", said Mr Jamie. "Have you not got any friends?"
"No", said the Tickling Honda. "I haven't. I've never had a friend."
"I'll be your friend", said Mr Jamie. "You can be my best friend, well, apart from Reece, and Annabel, and James, and big James, and Harry. But apart from them. We're best friends now."
"Oh", said the Tickling Honda. "Thank you. You're my first ever friend."
"That's okay," said Mr Jamie, "only now we're friends you're not allowed to tickle my bottom."
The Tickling Honda looked VERY sad.
"Why are you sad? Do you like tickling bottoms?"
"Of course I like tickling bottoms. I'm a Tickling Honda."
"Tickling Honda? Where is your home? Why are you sitting on my bed? And why are you so smelly?" Mr Jamie was still very confused.
"Ah. Well, that's the thing you see. I've got a bit of a problem … and I need your help."
Beth was fast asleep in her cot and Mummy and Daddy were having their dinner downstairs. He was the only one awake upstairs, which is why it was so very strange that he could suddenly hear a noise coming up the stairs. Mr Jamie listened very carefully. It sounded a bit like a bouncy sound - kind of a 'boing, boing' - and then almost like a pig was coming up the stairs. "Oink … oink … boing … boing … boing boing OINK, boing boing OINK." It almost sounded like it could be … the Tickling Honda. But that would be silly. Tickling Hondas weren't real. They were just in stories. Like monsters, and hobbits, and hairy toes.
Mr Jamie hid almost completely under the duvet until only his nose and one eye was poking out. It was a Ben 10 duvet. He loved Ben 10. He hadn't ever actually seen Ben 10 on the TV, but that wasn't the point. Ben 10 was COOL, and so was Mr Jamie. And he had a watch and everything.
With the one eye poking out Mr Jamie watched the gate at the top of the stairs. If something was coming up the stairs then it would have to come through that first. And Mr Jamie was prepared. He had his knight's cloak under his bed, and his sword just on the pillow next to him. Plus he had Darth Vader, the Storm Troopers, and the entire Millenium Falcon. No baddies were going to get past all of them, no way. (Admittedly, having a sword, a spaceship, and a load of Star Wars men in bed with him did mean that Mr Jamie didn't have very much room, and quite often ended up with Darth Vader sticking into the side of his bottom. But that was okay. At least he was prepared for moments like this.)
Mr Jamie watched … and watched … and watched. He couldn't hear the "boing boing OINK"ing noise any more, and the eye under the duvet had already gone to sleep. The eye poking out was just about to join it (along with his nose) and go to sleep too, when all of a sudden ..
"BOING BOING OINK OINK OINK OINK BOING BOING OINK!" And, with a thud, Something jumped onto Mr Jamie's middle and gave him the fright of his life.
Mr Jamie was about to scream, but decided that Ben 10 wouldn't scream if something jumped on his middle. Ben 10 would have a look and find out what the Something was, and then he'd decide which one of his weapons he was going to use to fight it. And Mr Jamie wasn't scared. He had Darth Vader and almost twenty Storm Troopers on his side. AND his sword. Ha, Something. Take THAT.
Cautiously, and ever, ever so carefully, Mr Jamie peered over the top of his Ben 10 duvet and looked down at his middle.
And there sat the Tickling Honda.
Mr Jamie knew it was the Tickling Honda straight away. Not only did he have big long green legs like a frog, he also had a big pink hairy tummy like a pig and a little curly tail. His eyes were all big and wide apart like a frog and he had a funny pig nose which was sniffing around in the air. And he smelt BAD. Worse than Beth, when she'd done one of her really big stinky poos which had leaked out of her nappy and gone all over her trousers. Worse even than Jabba the Hut, who everyone knew smelt really bad because he liked to EAT poo (disguuuuuuuuuuusting). And this smelly, bouncy, Tickling Honda was now sitting in the middle of Mr Jamie's Ben 10 duvet and making a very funny face.
"Are you the Tickling Honda?", said Mr Jamie.
"Yes I am", said the Tickling Honda. His voice was a bit growly, and a bit rumbly, but also a bit grunty like a pig. It made Mr Jamie laugh. "Why are you laughing at me?"
"Sorry", said Mr Jamie. "It was just a little bit of a laugh because you've got a funny voice."
"So have you", said the Tickling Honda, which made Mr Jamie go a bit quiet. "And anyway. How did you know I was the Tickling Honda?"
"Because you're like a frog and a pig and you came up the stairs going 'boing boing OINK' and then you jumped onto my middle because you want to get to my bottom and tickle it, only I'm not going to let you because Darth Vader is next to my bottom and he'll get you with his light saver if you go anywhere near him." And he did a very fierce look at the Tickling Honda.
"You mean light saber", said the Tickling Honda.
"What?" Mr Jamie knew he should have said pardon, not what, but the excitement of meeting the Tickling Honda had got him all flustered.
"Light saber. Darth Vader's got a light saber, not a light saver."
"Oh", said Mr Jamie. "Do you like Darth Vader?"
"Not really", said the Tickling Honda. "He's a baddy, and I don't like the baddies. I only like the goodies."
"Oh", said Mr Jamie. He was a bit shocked by this. The Tickling Honda was a boy, and all boys liked baddies. "Are you a girl?"
"Do I look like a girl?" said the Tickling Honda.
"Ummmm … I don't know", said Mr Jamie. You look like a frog and pig, is what he wanted to say, but he didn't think the Tickling Honda would like that.
"Well, I'm not a girl. I'm a boy, a boy Tickling Honda, although there's only one of me. You don't get girl Tickling Hondas. I don't think you get any other Tickling Hondas at all, in fact."
"That's a bit sad", said Mr Jamie. "Have you not got any friends?"
"No", said the Tickling Honda. "I haven't. I've never had a friend."
"I'll be your friend", said Mr Jamie. "You can be my best friend, well, apart from Reece, and Annabel, and James, and big James, and Harry. But apart from them. We're best friends now."
"Oh", said the Tickling Honda. "Thank you. You're my first ever friend."
"That's okay," said Mr Jamie, "only now we're friends you're not allowed to tickle my bottom."
The Tickling Honda looked VERY sad.
"Why are you sad? Do you like tickling bottoms?"
"Of course I like tickling bottoms. I'm a Tickling Honda."
"Tickling Honda? Where is your home? Why are you sitting on my bed? And why are you so smelly?" Mr Jamie was still very confused.
"Ah. Well, that's the thing you see. I've got a bit of a problem … and I need your help."
Chapter One
Mr Jamie was a little boy who lived in a big house with his Mummy, Daddy and baby sister Beth. Beth liked pooing, eating stuff she found on the floor, and sometimes did VERY big burps. Mr Jamie thought this was hilarious.
At night time Mr Jamie and Beth would go upstairs for their baths. Mummy and Daddy would come upstairs with them and would help them take off their clothes and get nudey. (That was Mr Jamie and Beth getting nudey. Not Mummy and Daddy. Mummy and Daddy getting nudey as well would just be REALLY silly.) Beth didn’t like having her clothes taken off. She would shout VERY loudly, and sometimes did a wee on the floor. While Beth was shouting and weeing Mr Jamie would run around with his pants on his head and his sword tucked into them pretending he was a knight, or Batman, or Harry Potter. (Actually, that would just be silly. Harry Potter didn’t have a sword, he had a wand. And Batman didn’t have a sword either. So he was probably being a knight.)
Mummy would put Beth into the bath first, and Beth would always stand up and shout because she didn’t really like going in the bath. Then it would be time for Mr Jamie to get in, and Mummy would ask him if he needed a wee. Mr Jamie would say no, because he didn’t think he did, and besides, he wanted to get in the bath and play with his Star Wars men. The trouble was, the moment he got into the bath, he found he DID need a wee, and then Mummy would get a bit cross and tell him he should have gone when she’d asked him. But he didn’t NEED to go when she asked him. Mummys can be a bit silly like that.
Mr Jamie would usually try and bring as many of his Star Wars men as possible into the bath with him, unless they had cloaks on, because the cloaks would get wet and then they would get ruined. Mummy usually said he could only take two, one for him, and one for Beth, but sometimes he managed to sneak some extra ones in behind his bottom when Mummy wasn’t looking. Beth would get all excited and try and grab the Storm Troopers and put them in her mouth, but Mr Jamie would tell her off and find her one of the policeman ones to play with instead. Beth liked the policeman ones, and also the one with the long tail. Only Mr Jamie was allowed to play with the Storm Troopers, because they were the baddies and he always had the baddies. Mummy and Beth got to play with the goodies, because they were girls, and girls like being the goodies.
Beth didn’t stay in the bath for very long because she was only little. Mummy would get her out and wrap her up in a big towel so that only her head was sticking out, and then Mummy and Beth would go into the bedroom while Mr Jamie stayed in the bath and had fights with the Storm Troopers. Sometimes they were a bit naughty and did lots of splashing so the bathroom floor got all wet. Once Mummy came back in and slipped over on it and fell on her bottom which was VERY funny. At least, Mr Jamie thought it was very funny. Mummy didn’t laugh at all, probably because she was having a grumpy bottom. Sometimes when Mummy went out and didn’t wave to Mr Jamie at the window then her bottom went all scrunchy, and Daddy told Mr Jamie that it was because her bottom was a grumpy one.
Eventually it was time for Mr Jamie and his Star Wars men to get out of the bath. Sometimes he got out all by himself, and sometimes Daddy would help him. This was good, because it meant he didn’t have to hold onto the taps to make sure he didn’t fall over, but bad, because sometimes when Daddy helped Mr Jamie ...
... the TICKLING HONDA would appear.
Mr Jamie had never seen the Tickling Honda, but he knew quite a lot about him. He looked a bit like a frog, and also a bit like a pig. When he crept up on people you could sometimes tell he was coming because you could hear a noise which went “boing boing OINK, boing boing OINK, boing boing OINK”. Then you’d know it was the Tickling Honda coming, and that’s when you had to run away really quickly, or the Tickling Honda would run up your leg ...
... AND TICKLE YOUR BOTTOM.
Often Daddy would say to him: ‘Oh no, what’s that noise? Could it be ... boing boing OINK, boing boing OINK ...”, and Mr Jamie would run across the room laughing like a loon and try and hide under the duvet. The Tickling Honda would follow him and would run straight up his leg and tickle and tickle his bottom while Mr Jamie laughed so much he would quite often have a very small fart, which would make him laugh even more.
Sometimes the Tickling Honda stayed for a long time, and sometimes he would go away again quite quickly, usually when Mummy and her bottom got a bit grumpy. He would leave Mr Jamie’s bottom alone and go “boing boing OINKing” across the floor until he disappeared. Then Mr Jamie would get into his pyjamas (keeping a careful watch out for sneaky Tickling Hondas) and get into his bed. Daddy would read him a story about hobbits, or sometimes Mummy would tell the really good one about the Hairy Toe. Beth would go in her cot and was meant to go to sleep, except sometimes she didn’t really want to go to sleep and would stand up and shout instead so her dummy fell out. Mr Jamie would go and get it for her and put it back in her mouth, which made Beth happy.
Eventually Beth would go to sleep, and Mummy would give him a kiss and a cuddle, and then she’d go downstairs to have her dinner with Daddy and Mr Jamie would lie down and think about the Tickling Honda. Obviously he knew the Tickling Honda wasn’t real. Not really. He was just pretend. And Mr Jamie was just about to fall off to sleep, when ...
At night time Mr Jamie and Beth would go upstairs for their baths. Mummy and Daddy would come upstairs with them and would help them take off their clothes and get nudey. (That was Mr Jamie and Beth getting nudey. Not Mummy and Daddy. Mummy and Daddy getting nudey as well would just be REALLY silly.) Beth didn’t like having her clothes taken off. She would shout VERY loudly, and sometimes did a wee on the floor. While Beth was shouting and weeing Mr Jamie would run around with his pants on his head and his sword tucked into them pretending he was a knight, or Batman, or Harry Potter. (Actually, that would just be silly. Harry Potter didn’t have a sword, he had a wand. And Batman didn’t have a sword either. So he was probably being a knight.)
Mummy would put Beth into the bath first, and Beth would always stand up and shout because she didn’t really like going in the bath. Then it would be time for Mr Jamie to get in, and Mummy would ask him if he needed a wee. Mr Jamie would say no, because he didn’t think he did, and besides, he wanted to get in the bath and play with his Star Wars men. The trouble was, the moment he got into the bath, he found he DID need a wee, and then Mummy would get a bit cross and tell him he should have gone when she’d asked him. But he didn’t NEED to go when she asked him. Mummys can be a bit silly like that.
Mr Jamie would usually try and bring as many of his Star Wars men as possible into the bath with him, unless they had cloaks on, because the cloaks would get wet and then they would get ruined. Mummy usually said he could only take two, one for him, and one for Beth, but sometimes he managed to sneak some extra ones in behind his bottom when Mummy wasn’t looking. Beth would get all excited and try and grab the Storm Troopers and put them in her mouth, but Mr Jamie would tell her off and find her one of the policeman ones to play with instead. Beth liked the policeman ones, and also the one with the long tail. Only Mr Jamie was allowed to play with the Storm Troopers, because they were the baddies and he always had the baddies. Mummy and Beth got to play with the goodies, because they were girls, and girls like being the goodies.
Beth didn’t stay in the bath for very long because she was only little. Mummy would get her out and wrap her up in a big towel so that only her head was sticking out, and then Mummy and Beth would go into the bedroom while Mr Jamie stayed in the bath and had fights with the Storm Troopers. Sometimes they were a bit naughty and did lots of splashing so the bathroom floor got all wet. Once Mummy came back in and slipped over on it and fell on her bottom which was VERY funny. At least, Mr Jamie thought it was very funny. Mummy didn’t laugh at all, probably because she was having a grumpy bottom. Sometimes when Mummy went out and didn’t wave to Mr Jamie at the window then her bottom went all scrunchy, and Daddy told Mr Jamie that it was because her bottom was a grumpy one.
Eventually it was time for Mr Jamie and his Star Wars men to get out of the bath. Sometimes he got out all by himself, and sometimes Daddy would help him. This was good, because it meant he didn’t have to hold onto the taps to make sure he didn’t fall over, but bad, because sometimes when Daddy helped Mr Jamie ...
... the TICKLING HONDA would appear.
Mr Jamie had never seen the Tickling Honda, but he knew quite a lot about him. He looked a bit like a frog, and also a bit like a pig. When he crept up on people you could sometimes tell he was coming because you could hear a noise which went “boing boing OINK, boing boing OINK, boing boing OINK”. Then you’d know it was the Tickling Honda coming, and that’s when you had to run away really quickly, or the Tickling Honda would run up your leg ...
... AND TICKLE YOUR BOTTOM.
Often Daddy would say to him: ‘Oh no, what’s that noise? Could it be ... boing boing OINK, boing boing OINK ...”, and Mr Jamie would run across the room laughing like a loon and try and hide under the duvet. The Tickling Honda would follow him and would run straight up his leg and tickle and tickle his bottom while Mr Jamie laughed so much he would quite often have a very small fart, which would make him laugh even more.
Sometimes the Tickling Honda stayed for a long time, and sometimes he would go away again quite quickly, usually when Mummy and her bottom got a bit grumpy. He would leave Mr Jamie’s bottom alone and go “boing boing OINKing” across the floor until he disappeared. Then Mr Jamie would get into his pyjamas (keeping a careful watch out for sneaky Tickling Hondas) and get into his bed. Daddy would read him a story about hobbits, or sometimes Mummy would tell the really good one about the Hairy Toe. Beth would go in her cot and was meant to go to sleep, except sometimes she didn’t really want to go to sleep and would stand up and shout instead so her dummy fell out. Mr Jamie would go and get it for her and put it back in her mouth, which made Beth happy.
Eventually Beth would go to sleep, and Mummy would give him a kiss and a cuddle, and then she’d go downstairs to have her dinner with Daddy and Mr Jamie would lie down and think about the Tickling Honda. Obviously he knew the Tickling Honda wasn’t real. Not really. He was just pretend. And Mr Jamie was just about to fall off to sleep, when ...
The Rise of the Tickling Honda ...
If you've just found your way here, welcome. This is my brand new shiny blog, intended as a home for all things Tickling and Honda-ish.
(If you haven't got the foggiest what I'm on about, and are wondering if you've wandered into some parallel universe ... you should see my other blog.)
Anyway, the idea is that, to avoid the other place getting cluttered up with the randomness which is the Tickling Honda, this is his newfound home. Please show him some love by subscribing over there on the right, joining his Facebook page and generally indulging me/him/the whole bloody lot of us.
It'll be awesome.
(If you haven't got the foggiest what I'm on about, and are wondering if you've wandered into some parallel universe ... you should see my other blog.)
Anyway, the idea is that, to avoid the other place getting cluttered up with the randomness which is the Tickling Honda, this is his newfound home. Please show him some love by subscribing over there on the right, joining his Facebook page and generally indulging me/him/the whole bloody lot of us.
It'll be awesome.
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