Chapter Ten

... the Tickling Honda.

Mr Jamie blinked. The Tickling Honda blinked back.

‘Tickling Honda, what are you doing outside the cot? Quick, you need to get back inside, in case any of those naughty Cloud Pirates see you and try and get you.’ Mr Jamie felt a bit worried in case the Cloud Pirates stole the Tickling Honda. He wasn’t sure he would be able to drive the cot without the Tickling Honda’s magic. He didn’t even have a driving licence.

‘I’m not the Tickling Honda. Look, he’s over there?’ Mr Jamie looked over to where the Not Tickling Honda was pointing – and saw it was right. There was the Tickling Honda, still snoring loudly underneath Mr Jamie’s Ben 10 duvet. But if the Tickling Honda was there...

‘Who are you?’ Mr Jamie was very confused.

‘I’m Tickling Vonda.’ The Tickling Vonda looked worried. ‘Can you let me into the cot, then I can talk to you properly?’

Mr Jamie wasn’t concentrating. He was looking at the Tickling Vonda’s face. ‘Are you wearing lipstick? Are you a girl?’

‘Yes, I’m a girl. Now can I come in please, before any of those naughty Cloud Pirates spot me and try and trap me in one of their ships.’

‘Um. Okay.’ Mr Jamie moved out of the way and made Beth come with him. He didn’t want her to try and eat the Tickling Vonda like she did with the Cloud Pirate. Beth licked his nose. Babies were so weird.

The Tickling Vonda did what looked like a little jump on her frog legs and suddenly was inside the cot with Mr Jamie and Beth and the Tickling Honda. There wasn’t very much room left so they had to all scrunch up together. Beth helpfully sat on the Tickling Honda’s head so that he woke up with a fright.

‘WHAT’S HAPPENING?’ He looked around. ‘Are there any Cloud Pirates around? And who’s this?’ The Tickling Honda looked very confused. ‘You look just like me. Except I don’t wear lipstick.’

The Tickling Vonda sighed. ‘I’m Tickling Vonda. I knew through my special magic that you were coming and I’ve come out here to warn you. You mustn’t go back to your island. The Cloud Pirates have invaded it. They’re sleeping in your hammock and they’re even’ – she gulped – ‘tickling your special statue of the bottom.’

The Tickling Honda went quiet. Mr Jamie thought he might be crying. Beth helpfully stuck her fingers up his nose and did a big fart which made everyone laugh, even the Tickling Honda.

‘But how come you look like me? I don’t understand. I’m the only Tickling Honda in the world.’

‘I know you are’, said the Tickling Vonda. ‘Just like I’m the only Tickling Vonda. But there are others like us as well. We’ve just all been on different islands. I didn’t know either until Tickling Conga came to visit me on my island. The Cloud Pirates had taken over his island and stolen all of his dancing shoes to wear as ear muffs for when their cannons got too loud for them. He came to find me and tell me. It sounds like the Cloud Pirates are trying to take over our islands and make sure we’ve got nowhere to live any more. We have to stop them. Tickling Conga told me he’d heard that you’d found Mr Jamie and Beth to help you get your island back from the Cloud Pirates. So I came to help you.’

Everyone looked at the Tickling Honda. His head was down and he was looking at his frog toes. Mr Jamie was worried about him.

‘Tickling Honda, are you okay?’

‘I just want to go home. I want to go back to my little island and sleep in my hammock and tickle my bottom statue. I don’t want the Cloud Pirates to tickle it.’

Mr Jamie felt quite angry. He was going to make sure the Tickling Honda got to see his bottom statue again. ‘Tickling Honda, me and Beth are coming with you. And Tickling Vonda too.’ She nodded. ‘And maybe even Tickling Conga, if we can find him. We’re going to go back to your island and find those naughty Cloud Pirates and make them GET OUT. And maybe Beth will throw one of her stinky nappies at them. That will REALLY scare them.’

‘YABAYABAYABA’ said Beth in agreement, and pulled the Tickling Honda’s pig tail to try and make him get up and start fighting. He looked round at them all.

‘Oh... okay. Thank you. That would be very nice.’

‘HOORAY!’ said Mr Jamie and Beth and the Tickling Vonda. ‘We’re going to have a WAR! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!’

Chapter Nine

The trip to the Tickling Honda's island took a very long time. Beth and Mr Jamie ate up their Plookies and drank their milk, and then they were bored. The man on the sat nav kept telling the Tickling Honda there was still three hundred and fifty nine miles to go, and even though Mr Jamie had never managed to count past one hundred he knew that must be a very long way. Beth had eaten all of her Plookie and checked underneath the Ben 10 duvet to see if there was any more underneath. She couldn't find any so she came over to Mr Jamie and carefully licked his face to get any Plookie crumbs off it. Mr Jamie didn't like that and said 'No, stop it Beth'. When he said that Beth got cross and bit his nose, before shouting 'YABAYABAYABA' and then suddenly going and lying down under the Ben 10 duvet, having a little fart, and then going to sleep. Mr Jamie thought he might as well go to sleep too. The Tickling Honda was concentrating on his driving and it was starting to get dark everywhere, and sometimes Mr Jamie was a teeny tiny little bit afraid of the dark, in case there were sneaky pirates hiding in it who wanted to come out and get you with their swords. Just like that Cloud Pirate. There weren't any clouds around at the moment, but you couldn't be too careful. So Mr Jamie sneaked over to the Ben 10 duvet where Beth was, snuggled in next to her, closed his eyes and thought about Plookies... and then was fast asleep.

When Mr Jamie woke up he thought it was still dark. Then he realised it was because Beth was sitting on his head. 'Ow, Beth, get off my head', said Mr Jamie. And Beth did, although not until she'd licked it first to see if there were any bits of food left that Mr Jamie hadn't found. Mr Jamie went over to the front of the cot to see the Tickling Honda. He looked very tired and a little bit grumpy. His face was all old and saggy and his eyes had gone quite cross, like Mummy's were sometimes when Mr Jamie and Beth woke her up very early in the morning.

'Tickling Honda, where are we?' asked Mr Jamie.

'I don't know', said the Tickling Honda, rather grumpily. 'The Sat Nav Man keeps telling me we have seventy five miles to go, or something, and then he tells me to do something called a U Turn. Do you know what a U Turn is?'

'No,' said Mr Jamie, 'I don't know what a U Turn is. But I don't expect it matters. The Sat Nav Man will sort us out. Do you want to have a sleep, Tickling Honda?'

'I can't have a sleep until we get to my island. Otherwise you two will get us lost.'

'We won't get us lost', said Mr Jamie. 'We'll just listen to the man and make the cot go in the right direction. You've made it go magic, haven't you?' The Tickling Honda nodded, still looking grumpy. 'Well then, tell your magic to make it follow the Sat Nav Man, and then it will all be okay.'

'Oh, okay', said the Tickling Honda, and he did a funny dance and made a strange noise. It sounded a bit like 'EE-WOO-OO-WOO-EE-WOO', but whatever it was seemed to work, because the Sat Nav Man said 'Yes Sir' and then didn't say anything else about U Turns. 'I'll go and have a lie down, but you must wake me up if anything happens. Anything at all.'

'Okay', said Mr Jamie, and Beth said 'yabayawaYABAyawa', which Mr Jamie knew meant 'I'll try not to wake you up, unless something really exciting happens, or I get hungry, or I need a poo'. Before long the Tickling Honda was snoring underneath Mr Jamie's Ben 10 duvet and making the cot start shaking with the big GRRRRRRRRR-schooooom, GRRRRRRRRR-schooooom snore noises that he kept making.

Mr Jamie sat next to the sat nav and pretended he was in charge. It was very exciting. He was in charge and Beth was his First Mate. Although he wished she would stop trying to eat his nose. He told Beth that they had to be very quiet and keep watch through the bars of the cot, in case the Tickling Honda's island had been invaded by enemies and they needed to attack them. Mr Jamie had the sword that he'd taken from the Cloud Pirate, so he could use that for the attacking, and the Tickling Honda had his special magic. He wasn't sure what Beth had to do the attacking with, but her nappies were quite scary, and he supposed she could always go and bite their noses, or pretend she was going to eat them like she had with the Cloud Pirate. Just as Mr Jamie thought that, there was a noise from underneath the cot. He looked at Beth. She had heard it too, and was trying to get her head out through the bars of the cot to see what it was. Mr Jamie crouched down next to Beth, and together they looked out the side.

Straight into the eyes of...

Breaking News

I know. I know. Tales of the Tickling Honda has been sadly neglected recently. (And hasn't Mr Jamie let me know about it.) But check. This. Out.

The Tickling Honda

TALES OF THE TICKLING HONDA PUBLISHED ON AMAZON! Illustrated by my super talented stepson - the first instalment there in all its glory. If you get a chance to pop over and give us a review I will genuinely love you for ever. What's more, this (plus Mr Jamie's incessant nagging) has inspired me to write the well overdue next instalment. Watch this space...