Chapter One

Mr Jamie was a little boy who lived in a big house with his Mummy, Daddy and baby sister Beth. Beth liked pooing, eating stuff she found on the floor, and sometimes did VERY big burps. Mr Jamie thought this was hilarious.

At night time Mr Jamie and Beth would go upstairs for their baths. Mummy and Daddy would come upstairs with them and would help them take off their clothes and get nudey. (That was Mr Jamie and Beth getting nudey. Not Mummy and Daddy. Mummy and Daddy getting nudey as well would just be REALLY silly.) Beth didn’t like having her clothes taken off. She would shout VERY loudly, and sometimes did a wee on the floor. While Beth was shouting and weeing Mr Jamie would run around with his pants on his head and his sword tucked into them pretending he was a knight, or Batman, or Harry Potter. (Actually, that would just be silly. Harry Potter didn’t have a sword, he had a wand. And Batman didn’t have a sword either. So he was probably being a knight.)

Mummy would put Beth into the bath first, and Beth would always stand up and shout because she didn’t really like going in the bath. Then it would be time for Mr Jamie to get in, and Mummy would ask him if he needed a wee. Mr Jamie would say no, because he didn’t think he did, and besides, he wanted to get in the bath and play with his Star Wars men. The trouble was, the moment he got into the bath, he found he DID need a wee, and then Mummy would get a bit cross and tell him he should have gone when she’d asked him. But he didn’t NEED to go when she asked him. Mummys can be a bit silly like that.

Mr Jamie would usually try and bring as many of his Star Wars men as possible into the bath with him, unless they had cloaks on, because the cloaks would get wet and then they would get ruined. Mummy usually said he could only take two, one for him, and one for Beth, but sometimes he managed to sneak some extra ones in behind his bottom when Mummy wasn’t looking. Beth would get all excited and try and grab the Storm Troopers and put them in her mouth, but Mr Jamie would tell her off and find her one of the policeman ones to play with instead. Beth liked the policeman ones, and also the one with the long tail. Only Mr Jamie was allowed to play with the Storm Troopers, because they were the baddies and he always had the baddies. Mummy and Beth got to play with the goodies, because they were girls, and girls like being the goodies.

Beth didn’t stay in the bath for very long because she was only little. Mummy would get her out and wrap her up in a big towel so that only her head was sticking out, and then Mummy and Beth would go into the bedroom while Mr Jamie stayed in the bath and had fights with the Storm Troopers. Sometimes they were a bit naughty and did lots of splashing so the bathroom floor got all wet. Once Mummy came back in and slipped over on it and fell on her bottom which was VERY funny. At least, Mr Jamie thought it was very funny. Mummy didn’t laugh at all, probably because she was having a grumpy bottom. Sometimes when Mummy went out and didn’t wave to Mr Jamie at the window then her bottom went all scrunchy, and Daddy told Mr Jamie that it was because her bottom was a grumpy one.

Eventually it was time for Mr Jamie and his Star Wars men to get out of the bath. Sometimes he got out all by himself, and sometimes Daddy would help him. This was good, because it meant he didn’t have to hold onto the taps to make sure he didn’t fall over, but bad, because sometimes when Daddy helped Mr Jamie ...

... the TICKLING HONDA would appear.

Mr Jamie had never seen the Tickling Honda, but he knew quite a lot about him. He looked a bit like a frog, and also a bit like a pig. When he crept up on people you could sometimes tell he was coming because you could hear a noise which went “boing boing OINK, boing boing OINK, boing boing OINK”. Then you’d know it was the Tickling Honda coming, and that’s when you had to run away really quickly, or the Tickling Honda would run up your leg ...

... AND TICKLE YOUR BOTTOM.

Often Daddy would say to him: ‘Oh no, what’s that noise? Could it be ... boing boing OINK, boing boing OINK ...”, and Mr Jamie would run across the room laughing like a loon and try and hide under the duvet. The Tickling Honda would follow him and would run straight up his leg and tickle and tickle his bottom while Mr Jamie laughed so much he would quite often have a very small fart, which would make him laugh even more.

Sometimes the Tickling Honda stayed for a long time, and sometimes he would go away again quite quickly, usually when Mummy and her bottom got a bit grumpy. He would leave Mr Jamie’s bottom alone and go “boing boing OINKing” across the floor until he disappeared. Then Mr Jamie would get into his pyjamas (keeping a careful watch out for sneaky Tickling Hondas) and get into his bed. Daddy would read him a story about hobbits, or sometimes Mummy would tell the really good one about the Hairy Toe. Beth would go in her cot and was meant to go to sleep, except sometimes she didn’t really want to go to sleep and would stand up and shout instead so her dummy fell out. Mr Jamie would go and get it for her and put it back in her mouth, which made Beth happy.

Eventually Beth would go to sleep, and Mummy would give him a kiss and a cuddle, and then she’d go downstairs to have her dinner with Daddy and Mr Jamie would lie down and think about the Tickling Honda. Obviously he knew the Tickling Honda wasn’t real. Not really. He was just pretend. And Mr Jamie was just about to fall off to sleep, when ...