Chapter Ten

... the Tickling Honda.

Mr Jamie blinked. The Tickling Honda blinked back.

‘Tickling Honda, what are you doing outside the cot? Quick, you need to get back inside, in case any of those naughty Cloud Pirates see you and try and get you.’ Mr Jamie felt a bit worried in case the Cloud Pirates stole the Tickling Honda. He wasn’t sure he would be able to drive the cot without the Tickling Honda’s magic. He didn’t even have a driving licence.

‘I’m not the Tickling Honda. Look, he’s over there?’ Mr Jamie looked over to where the Not Tickling Honda was pointing – and saw it was right. There was the Tickling Honda, still snoring loudly underneath Mr Jamie’s Ben 10 duvet. But if the Tickling Honda was there...

‘Who are you?’ Mr Jamie was very confused.

‘I’m Tickling Vonda.’ The Tickling Vonda looked worried. ‘Can you let me into the cot, then I can talk to you properly?’

Mr Jamie wasn’t concentrating. He was looking at the Tickling Vonda’s face. ‘Are you wearing lipstick? Are you a girl?’

‘Yes, I’m a girl. Now can I come in please, before any of those naughty Cloud Pirates spot me and try and trap me in one of their ships.’

‘Um. Okay.’ Mr Jamie moved out of the way and made Beth come with him. He didn’t want her to try and eat the Tickling Vonda like she did with the Cloud Pirate. Beth licked his nose. Babies were so weird.

The Tickling Vonda did what looked like a little jump on her frog legs and suddenly was inside the cot with Mr Jamie and Beth and the Tickling Honda. There wasn’t very much room left so they had to all scrunch up together. Beth helpfully sat on the Tickling Honda’s head so that he woke up with a fright.

‘WHAT’S HAPPENING?’ He looked around. ‘Are there any Cloud Pirates around? And who’s this?’ The Tickling Honda looked very confused. ‘You look just like me. Except I don’t wear lipstick.’

The Tickling Vonda sighed. ‘I’m Tickling Vonda. I knew through my special magic that you were coming and I’ve come out here to warn you. You mustn’t go back to your island. The Cloud Pirates have invaded it. They’re sleeping in your hammock and they’re even’ – she gulped – ‘tickling your special statue of the bottom.’

The Tickling Honda went quiet. Mr Jamie thought he might be crying. Beth helpfully stuck her fingers up his nose and did a big fart which made everyone laugh, even the Tickling Honda.

‘But how come you look like me? I don’t understand. I’m the only Tickling Honda in the world.’

‘I know you are’, said the Tickling Vonda. ‘Just like I’m the only Tickling Vonda. But there are others like us as well. We’ve just all been on different islands. I didn’t know either until Tickling Conga came to visit me on my island. The Cloud Pirates had taken over his island and stolen all of his dancing shoes to wear as ear muffs for when their cannons got too loud for them. He came to find me and tell me. It sounds like the Cloud Pirates are trying to take over our islands and make sure we’ve got nowhere to live any more. We have to stop them. Tickling Conga told me he’d heard that you’d found Mr Jamie and Beth to help you get your island back from the Cloud Pirates. So I came to help you.’

Everyone looked at the Tickling Honda. His head was down and he was looking at his frog toes. Mr Jamie was worried about him.

‘Tickling Honda, are you okay?’

‘I just want to go home. I want to go back to my little island and sleep in my hammock and tickle my bottom statue. I don’t want the Cloud Pirates to tickle it.’

Mr Jamie felt quite angry. He was going to make sure the Tickling Honda got to see his bottom statue again. ‘Tickling Honda, me and Beth are coming with you. And Tickling Vonda too.’ She nodded. ‘And maybe even Tickling Conga, if we can find him. We’re going to go back to your island and find those naughty Cloud Pirates and make them GET OUT. And maybe Beth will throw one of her stinky nappies at them. That will REALLY scare them.’

‘YABAYABAYABA’ said Beth in agreement, and pulled the Tickling Honda’s pig tail to try and make him get up and start fighting. He looked round at them all.

‘Oh... okay. Thank you. That would be very nice.’

‘HOORAY!’ said Mr Jamie and Beth and the Tickling Vonda. ‘We’re going to have a WAR! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!’

Chapter Nine

The trip to the Tickling Honda's island took a very long time. Beth and Mr Jamie ate up their Plookies and drank their milk, and then they were bored. The man on the sat nav kept telling the Tickling Honda there was still three hundred and fifty nine miles to go, and even though Mr Jamie had never managed to count past one hundred he knew that must be a very long way. Beth had eaten all of her Plookie and checked underneath the Ben 10 duvet to see if there was any more underneath. She couldn't find any so she came over to Mr Jamie and carefully licked his face to get any Plookie crumbs off it. Mr Jamie didn't like that and said 'No, stop it Beth'. When he said that Beth got cross and bit his nose, before shouting 'YABAYABAYABA' and then suddenly going and lying down under the Ben 10 duvet, having a little fart, and then going to sleep. Mr Jamie thought he might as well go to sleep too. The Tickling Honda was concentrating on his driving and it was starting to get dark everywhere, and sometimes Mr Jamie was a teeny tiny little bit afraid of the dark, in case there were sneaky pirates hiding in it who wanted to come out and get you with their swords. Just like that Cloud Pirate. There weren't any clouds around at the moment, but you couldn't be too careful. So Mr Jamie sneaked over to the Ben 10 duvet where Beth was, snuggled in next to her, closed his eyes and thought about Plookies... and then was fast asleep.

When Mr Jamie woke up he thought it was still dark. Then he realised it was because Beth was sitting on his head. 'Ow, Beth, get off my head', said Mr Jamie. And Beth did, although not until she'd licked it first to see if there were any bits of food left that Mr Jamie hadn't found. Mr Jamie went over to the front of the cot to see the Tickling Honda. He looked very tired and a little bit grumpy. His face was all old and saggy and his eyes had gone quite cross, like Mummy's were sometimes when Mr Jamie and Beth woke her up very early in the morning.

'Tickling Honda, where are we?' asked Mr Jamie.

'I don't know', said the Tickling Honda, rather grumpily. 'The Sat Nav Man keeps telling me we have seventy five miles to go, or something, and then he tells me to do something called a U Turn. Do you know what a U Turn is?'

'No,' said Mr Jamie, 'I don't know what a U Turn is. But I don't expect it matters. The Sat Nav Man will sort us out. Do you want to have a sleep, Tickling Honda?'

'I can't have a sleep until we get to my island. Otherwise you two will get us lost.'

'We won't get us lost', said Mr Jamie. 'We'll just listen to the man and make the cot go in the right direction. You've made it go magic, haven't you?' The Tickling Honda nodded, still looking grumpy. 'Well then, tell your magic to make it follow the Sat Nav Man, and then it will all be okay.'

'Oh, okay', said the Tickling Honda, and he did a funny dance and made a strange noise. It sounded a bit like 'EE-WOO-OO-WOO-EE-WOO', but whatever it was seemed to work, because the Sat Nav Man said 'Yes Sir' and then didn't say anything else about U Turns. 'I'll go and have a lie down, but you must wake me up if anything happens. Anything at all.'

'Okay', said Mr Jamie, and Beth said 'yabayawaYABAyawa', which Mr Jamie knew meant 'I'll try not to wake you up, unless something really exciting happens, or I get hungry, or I need a poo'. Before long the Tickling Honda was snoring underneath Mr Jamie's Ben 10 duvet and making the cot start shaking with the big GRRRRRRRRR-schooooom, GRRRRRRRRR-schooooom snore noises that he kept making.

Mr Jamie sat next to the sat nav and pretended he was in charge. It was very exciting. He was in charge and Beth was his First Mate. Although he wished she would stop trying to eat his nose. He told Beth that they had to be very quiet and keep watch through the bars of the cot, in case the Tickling Honda's island had been invaded by enemies and they needed to attack them. Mr Jamie had the sword that he'd taken from the Cloud Pirate, so he could use that for the attacking, and the Tickling Honda had his special magic. He wasn't sure what Beth had to do the attacking with, but her nappies were quite scary, and he supposed she could always go and bite their noses, or pretend she was going to eat them like she had with the Cloud Pirate. Just as Mr Jamie thought that, there was a noise from underneath the cot. He looked at Beth. She had heard it too, and was trying to get her head out through the bars of the cot to see what it was. Mr Jamie crouched down next to Beth, and together they looked out the side.

Straight into the eyes of...

Breaking News

I know. I know. Tales of the Tickling Honda has been sadly neglected recently. (And hasn't Mr Jamie let me know about it.) But check. This. Out.

The Tickling Honda

TALES OF THE TICKLING HONDA PUBLISHED ON AMAZON! Illustrated by my super talented stepson - the first instalment there in all its glory. If you get a chance to pop over and give us a review I will genuinely love you for ever. What's more, this (plus Mr Jamie's incessant nagging) has inspired me to write the well overdue next instalment. Watch this space...

Chapter Eight

The Tickling Honda drove really fast. Faster even than Mummy when she had her Angry Bottom and was all cross and grumpy with all the other cars driving next to them. Faster than Beth when you took her to the playground and she got all excited when she saw a slide. She would stomp up the steps as quickly as her little legs would carry her and then throw herself down it head first. This was what Mr Jamie did, only he was allowed to because he was a Bigger Boy who was very soon going to be going to school. Mummy got all worried when Beth did it and told her to slow down, but Beth would run back up the slide again and do her sneaky naughty face. Beth didn't like being told what to do.

Going down in the cot was a little bit like going down in a slide, actually, and it made Mr Jamie's tummy go all swooshy and splooshy. Beth thought it was brilliant. She stood up grabbing onto the cot bars and shouted VERY loudly "YABAYABAYABAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABA." Mr Jamie shook his head at her.

"Beth, shush. You need to be quiet. The Tickling Honda is going to make this cot go next to Mummy's car and then we are going to sneak out and get the sat nav so we can find our way to the Tickling Honda's island. You want to go and see his hammock don't you? And his statue of the big bottom?" Beth nodded. "Well then sit down and be as small and quiet as you possibly can, and then no one will know we are here." And Beth, incredibly, actually lay down and put her head down as though she was going to sleep and Mr Jamie covered her bottom up with his Ben 10 duvet. Beth always went to sleep with her bottom poking up in the air. Babies were weird like that.

Mr Jamie had only just got Beth to lie down when all of a sudden there was a big CRAAAAAASH sound and the cot stopped very suddenly. Beth did a surprised face but then remembered what she was meant to be doing and lay back down again quickly. Mr Jamie looked around.

"Oh well DONE Tickling Honda. That's Mummy's car just there, and the sat nav's right inside it. But how will we get it out? Mummy will have locked it, and she's probably lost her keys like she does usually so you can't even go in the house and borrow those instead. What shall we do?"

"What does a sat nav look like?" asked the Tickling Honda.

"It's square and black and grey with a bit of string on the side where Mummy plugs it in to make the man start talking. She keeps it in the special glove box in the front of the car."

"Okily dokily" said the Tickling Honda, and all of a sudden he was GONE. Where had he gone? Mr Jamie couldn't see him anywhere at all. Beth couldn't have eaten him because she was still being a good girl and lying down with her bottom in the air. He wasn't under Mr Jamie's Ben 10 duvet. He wasn't on the floor next to the cot. Mr Jamie was very worried. He wanted to shout out the Tickling Honda's name but he didn't want Mummy or Daddy coming out and finding them.

Suddenly Mr Jamie felt a funny tickling feeling next to his nose. It made him want to a-a-a-a-ATCHOO! Mr Jamie sneezed VERY loudly, and when he opened his eyes there was the Tickling Honda standing back next to him again ... HOLDING THE SAT NAV!

"Tickling Honda! Where did you go?!" Mr Jamie was so excited to see the Tickling Honda again that he almost forgot to be quiet.

"I just did some special Tickling Honda magic and made myself go all tiny and got inside the car through the keyhole. Then I opened the glove box and found the sat nav and came back out again with it. I tried to land on your bottom so I could give it a secret tickle but I missed and landed on your nose instead. You sneezed and that surprised me so I forgot to do the magic any more and now I'm big again."

"Wow." Mr Jamie was so surprised he almost didn't know what to say. "My mummy would like some of that magic to make her bottom go all small. Do you know how to work the sat nav?"

"I think so ..." The Tickling Honda turned on the sat nav and typed in Tickling Honda Island, and all of a sudden it lit up and the man started talking to them. "Turn - left - and - continue - for - four - hundred - miles."

"That is a LOT of miles", said Mr Jamie. "Me and Beth are hungry and thirsty. Can we have some milk and Plookies please."

"Of course", said the Tickling Honda, and passed them over two Plookies each. Their tummies sat and wobbled and the Tickling Honda turned the cot around and set off for his island. What WERE they going to find there?

Chapter Seven

Mr Jamie and the Tickling Honda opened up the map and laid it out on the bottom of the cot. Beth helpfully sat her bottom on one of the corners so it didn't blow away, although she did then lean over and start licking the map. The Tickling Honda looked a bit worried but Mr Jamie told him it was okay. Beth was always eating weird stuff, and as long as it wasn't something she could choke on then it didn't matter too much. (Although she'd once tried to eat her own poo, which was DISGUSTING. Babies were a bit mad like that.)

The map was quite old and the paper had gone brown and crinkly. There were lots and lots of islands drawn all over it, with some little letters next to them which Mr Jamie couldn't read (because he hadn't gone to school yet), but which he thought probably said what the island was called. Then there were some pictures of boats, and some pictures of trees, and some pictures of really scary looking sharks in the sea. Mr Jamie hoped that the Tickling Honda's island wasn't too near any of those.

"Tickling Honda, which one is your island?" Mr Jamie just hoped the Tickling Honda knew what his island was called. And also that he could read what the words on the map said. Otherwise they were going to be away from home for a long time, and he was a bit worried that the Tickling Honda wouldn't have enough nappies for Beth.

"Ummmmmm ... I'm not sure", said the Tickling Honda. Oh NO. Mr Jamie felt quite cross with the Tickling Honda. How could he not know what his island was called.

"Well now what are we going to do?", asked Mr Jamie. "We can't possibly go and see all of these islands. Beth is going to run out of nappies and Mummy and Daddy are going to be really really worried and very cross with you. Mummy will probably have her angry bottom, and you won't like that at all, will you?

"Oh no", said the Tickling Honda. "I definitely don't want to see your Mummy's angry bottom. That sounds really frightening. But I want to find my island. I want to go home and see my lovely hammock and my statue of the big bottom for tickling. I'm scared I might not ever see them again." And the Tickling Honda sat down in a heap and started to cry.

Mr Jamie didn't know what to do. Mummy and Daddy usually looked after people when they were crying. Mummy would give him or Beth a cuddle, and tell them not to be sad, and Daddy would sometimes sneakily tickle them so they would start laughing instead of crying. Mr Jamie wondered whether he should tickle the Tickling Honda, but he didn't know whether the Tickling Honda would like that. He might get even sadder because it was someone else doing the tickling, and because he didn't have his statue of the big bottom to tickle. Poor Tickling Honda.

Mr Jamie looked down at the map, which was now getting rather soggy, what with the Tickling Honda crying on it and Beth licking it. Mr Jamie used the corner of his Ben 10 duvet to dry it a bit, and as he did he saw something in the middle of the map. There was one island there, a really tiny one, and right next to it Mr Jamie could see a picture of a pig ... and a picture of a frog! Just like the Tickling Honda! Surely, surely, that had to be his island!

"Tickling Honda, Tickling Honda!" Mr Jamie was VERY excited. "Look! Look here! Does that look like your island?!" He pointed at the frog/pig island, and the Tickling Honda gave a big snotty sniff and looked over, wiping his eyes on the back of his frog leg.

"Yes! Yes it is! Oh WELL DONE Mr Jamie. That's definitely my island. Look at that big bottom in the middle of it there. That's my statue, that is, and just next to it is my hammock, and my little cave, and my big pile of Plookies. Oh, I miss it so much. Now we can go back there."

"Tickling Honda?" Mr Jamie was a bit confused. "I can see that's your island, and I can see it's there on the map ... but where are we on the map? Where is this cot now? How can we go and find your island if we don't know where we are now?"

The Tickling Honda looked very upset. "Oh no. You're right. We can only follow the map if we know where we are, and I don't know where we are at all. I'm never going to get home." And he burst into big snotty tears, all over again.

Mr Jamie didn't like seeing the Tickling Honda looking so sad, and he thought he had a plan which might work.

"Tickling Honda? If you can get this cot to go back down on the ground then I know what we can do. Mummy has a thing called a 'sat nav'. It's like a little man who sits in your car and tells you where to go. If we got the cot down on the ground we could find a sat nav, and then we could put it on the cot, and then we could ask the man to take us to your island. Is that a good plan?"

"I don't know what a sat nav is", said the Tickling Honda, "but that sounds like a brilliant plan. The only trouble is, we'll have to be very careful to make sure we don't get seen. I don't like being seen by people, in case they catch me and put me in a zoo. Do you think you can help me to hide?"

"Of course I can", said Mr Jamie. "I'm brilliant at hiding, and Beth is too, only sometimes she gets a bit shouty. That's okay though, we can just find her dummy and then she will be all quiet and sneaky while she has that and we can get the sat nav and then go again before anyone sees us."

"Brilliant", said the Tickling Honda. "Right then. Brace yourself shipmates. We're going DOWN." And with a shudder, and a strange magical shout from the Tickling Honda, the cot suddenly jolted into action and started plummeting down ... down ... down ...

Chapter Six

As the Cloud Pirate descended, Mr Jamie thought that he might feel a little bit scared. It was hard to feel scared while he was doing his Fierce Face though, and even harder when he turned around and saw the Tickling Honda's Fierce Face. The Tickling Honda's Fierce Face looked like he was having a really massive poo, and when Mr Jamie started thinking about the Tickling Honda pooing he got the giggles, and while he tried to keep on looking fierce it was very difficult to look fierce and giggle at the same time. He kept his mouth tightly shut, but it was no good, he couldn't stop giggling, which meant that a very strange noise came out of his closed mouth. Sort of a "mmmmmoooooohoooooooommmmm", which is what happens if you try and laugh without opening your mouth.

Beth heard the "mmmmmoooohoooooommmm" noise, and turned round to look at Mr Jamie. Unfortunately Beth wasn't very good at turning around while standing up (particularly when standing in a cot which was flying through the air), which meant that she fell over and landed on her bottom. Then Mr Jamie started properly laughing because Beth looked so funny sat on her bottom with her legs pointed up in the air, and then Beth started laughing, firstly because she really liked the "mmmmooohoooommmm" noise that Mr Jamie had been making when he was trying not to giggle at the Tickling Honda looking like he was doing a poo, and secondly because she she just really liked laughing. Mr Jamie and Beth looked at each other and laughed like drains, until Mr Jamie fell over with all the laughing. The Tickling Honda looked at them and tried to look even fiercer, which made him look like he was having an even BIGGER poo, and Mr Jamie and Beth laughed, and laughed, and laughed. They laughed until their tummies hurt, and when they thought they could laugh no more they sat back up again ... and saw the Cloud Pirate IN THE COT WITH THEM.

Mr Jamie stopped laughing at once. Beth didn't. Beth laughed at everything though, even really silly things like when someone had ketchup on their face. Beth looked at the Cloud Pirate and laughed. The Cloud Pirate wasn't laughing at all. He was doing a Properly Fierce Face, not a pooing one like the Tickling Honda. Mr Jamie could see that, as well as his big beard, he had a big shiny silver sword which he kept in his belt. Mr Jamie thought he might like to have a sword belt like that. He only had his pants which he always had to tuck his sword into. That was okay, but it did mean that whenever you walked around you fell over the end of your sword. He didn't think the Cloud Pirate would have that problem.

Mr Jamie looked at the Tickling Honda to see if he was going to say anything to the Cloud Pirate, but he had stopped doing his Fierce Face and was now just doing a I'm A Bit Scared Face. Beth was still laughing - and didn't know how to talk, anyway, unless you wanted to say 'Hiya' a lot - so Mr Jamie thought he had better say something.

"Hello. Are you a Cloud Pirate?" Mr Jamie thought there was probably no harm in checking.

"Of COURSE I'm a Cloud Pirate." The Cloud Pirate didn't sound very happy at all.

"I'm Mr Jamie, and this is the Tickling Honda, and this is Beth. She's only a baby."

"Why is she laughing at me?"

"She's laughing because we thought the Tickling Honda looked like he was doing a poo, and then Beth fell over, and then I fell over, and then we all laughed and laughed until you came over here and scared us." Oops. Mr Jamie hadn't meant to say that he felt scared. Fortunately, the Cloud Pirate didn't seem to have noticed.

"So she's not laughing at me?"

"I'm not sure. She might be, but I don't think so. She's just Beth. She's a bit mad. Don't worry about her, Cloud Pirate."

The Cloud Pirate gave Beth a bit of a worried look, as if he thought she might be going to eat him. Beth stopped laughing, and stared at the Cloud Pirate, and suddenly shouted out "YABAYABAYABA" VERY loudly and grabbed the Cloud Pirate's beard.

Mr Jamie thought the Cloud Pirate would get out his sword and hit Beth with it, but instead he panicked, grabbed his beard, jumped up and ran over into the corner of the cot.

"Don't let her get me, don't let her get me." Mr Jamie thought the Cloud Pirate might even be crying a little bit. He was going to tell the Cloud Pirate not to worry about Beth, but then he thought it might be better to pretend that Beth was really, really scary.

Mr Jamie put on his fiercest, scariest voice. "You're right, you should be scared. Beth is VERY scary, and she likes to EAT Cloud Pirates. We've seen lots of Cloud Pirates on the way here, and ALL of them are now in Beth's tummy." Beth helpfully did a big burp at this point and the Cloud Pirate shook like a jelly and scrunched himself up in the corner of the cot.

"Don't let her get me, please don't let her get me. I don't want to be eaten." Beth licked her lips. Mr Jamie thought for a moment. Hmmmm. Maybe this was an opportunity to get rid of the Cloud Pirate and get some really cool Stuff.

"Well. Okay. I will make Beth not eat you, but you have to give us three things? Okay?" The Cloud Pirate nodded. "I need a big map, one which shows all of the islands on. Have you got one of those?" Mr Jamie looked fierce.

"Yes. Here you go. This is the biggest map I've got. It shows everything." The Cloud Pirate passed it over to Mr Jamie, who nodded in approval.

"Good. I also need your sword. It looks a bit too dangerous for you to be running around with." Mummy often said that to Mr Jamie when he had his sword in his pants.

"Here it is." The Cloud Pirate gave his sword to Mr Jamie. It was very heavy.

"Last of all ... I need your sword belt. Otherwise I won't have anything to put my sword into." Mr Jamie thougth the Cloud Pirate would say no to this, but Beth was starting to crawl towards him and so he just made a little 'meep' sound, unbuckled his belt and put it into Mr Jamie's hands.

"Is that everything? Can I go now?"

"You can go", said Mr Jamie, "but before you do, have you seen the Tickling Honda's island anywhere?" The Tickling Honda, who had been quiet up until this point, nodded in excitement.

"What's a Tickling Honda?", asked the Cloud Pirate.

"Oh ... never mind", said Mr Jamie. "Go on. Off you go." And the Cloud Pirate did. He climbed up his rope as fast as his little legs would carry him. Unfortunately, without his sword belt his trousers were too loose, and as he was about to step up into his boat they fell right down and you could SEE HIS PANTS. Mr Jamie and Beth thought this was very funny. So did the Tickling Honda, although he sighed a bit sadly.

"If only he had been a bit nearer to me. I could have tickled his bottom. I do miss tickling bottoms."

"NO, Tickling Honda. Now, come on. We need to have a look at this map and see if we can find your island. And I need you to help me put my sword belt on. Isn't it brilliant?"

Mr Jamie couldn't believe his success. They'd fought off the Cloud Pirate, they'd got a map to find the Tickling Honda's island, and he had the best sword and sword belt ever. This was turning out to be a BRILLIANT adventure.

Chapter Five

… the mast of a boat.

“Is that a boat? I thought we were up in the sky. Have you not been concentrating, Tickling Honda? Are we going to fall into the sea?” Mr Jamie was rather worried.

“Ah … um … no, no, don’t panic. We’re not going to fall into the sea” said the Tickling Honda. “We have however got a very little tiny bit of a problem.”

“Don’t worry”, said Mr Jamie. “I’ll help you sort out your problem. What do you need?” Mr Jamie liked sorting out problems.

“Um … um … I don’t suppose you happen to have brought a sword with you?”, asked the Tickling Honda.

“YES! Yes I have!” Mr Jamie was VERY excited. He knew it had been a good thing to bring his sword with him. Except … where was it? It wasn’t down his pyjama trouser leg where he thought he’d left it. He looked around the cot … and saw Beth, holding his sword, poking it through the bars of the cot and just about to let it go.

“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. GIVE ME MY SWORD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.” Mr Jamie jumped up into the air and threw himself on top of Beth, grabbing the handle of his sword just as it was about to plummet down to earth. Mr Jamie was very relieved. Beth just looked a bit squashed. “Oops. Sorry Beth, but you know you’re not allowed to play with my sword. It’s for big boys, and you’re a little girl.”

“BabababababaYAbaya”, said Beth. Which Mr Jamie knew meant: “I wasn’t playing with it. I was just having a look. And now I’m going to have a wee in my nappy.”

“Here you go Tickling Honda”, said Mr Jamie. “Here’s my sword. What do you need it for?”

“Ah … um … well.” The Tickling Honda looked a bit suspicious, like Mr Jamie sometimes did when he was doing something he shouldn’t do and Mummy came and found him and asked him if he was behaving himself. “Have you ever heard of Cloud Pirates?”

“CLOUD pirates?” Mr Jamie was confused. “I know about pirates, and I know about clouds, but what is a Cloud Pirate?”

“It’s a pirate that lives in the clouds”, said the Tickling Honda.

“Oh”, said Mr Jamie. It was a bit obvious when the Tickling Honda said it like that. “I like pirates. And I like clouds. Are Cloud Pirates goodies?”

“Hmmm. Well. That’s the problem”, said the Tickling Honda. “Some of them are goodies, but some of them are really Bad Baddies.”

“Badder than Darth Vader?”, asked Mr Jamie.

“Worse. Badder than Jabba The Hut,” said the Tickling Honda. He paused dramatically, but Mr Jamie didn’t think he could have got that right. Everyone knew that Darth Vader was the Baddest Baddie that there was. Jabba The Hut liked eating poo, which was a bit disgusting (well, very disgusting), but he wasn’t a really Bad Baddie. Mr Jamie thought that Cloud Pirates might not be that bad after all.

“Can I see a Cloud Pirate?”, asked Mr Jamie.

“I don’t think you’ve got a choice”, said the Tickling Honda. “Look over there …”

The Tickling Honda pointed over the side of the cot next to where Beth was sitting, and Mr Jamie could now see not only the mast but the entire ship, sailing quickly towards them through the clouds. It was black, with lots of really big sails and a big bad scary looking skeleton flag at the front. Mr Jamie thought maybe he didn’t really want to see a Cloud Pirate after all. He moved a little bit closer to the Tickling Honda (who was looking very worried) and put one hand on his sword, and the other one on his willy, just to keep them both safe. He hoped the Cloud Pirates wouldn’t see them, and would just go sailing by to find some other Cloud Pirates to have some fights with and take all their treasure. If they just kept really quiet …

Unfortunately, it seemed that Beth liked Cloud Pirates a LOT. The moment she saw the boat coming towards them she pulled herself up onto her feet and started shouting very, VERY loudly at the Cloud Pirate boat. “BaBAyaYAbabababaYAbaYAbayayayaya.” Which Mr Jamie knew went: “I don’t know what that is over there but I really really REALLY want to get it and put it into my mouth to see whether it’s something good to eat.” Mr Jamie sighed. Beth could be so silly sometimes. Even she couldn’t eat a whole ship, and now look what she’d done. Mr Jamie could see some people – Cloud Pirates, he assumed – running onto the deck and shouting and pointing in their direction.

“Oh Beth. You silly baby. Now look what you’ve done.” The ship was now moving very quickly towards them, and Mr Jamie could see the faces of the Cloud Pirates. They didn’t look very happy, although they all had extremely big beards, so it was quite hard to tell. Mr Jamie thought he might like to grow a beard when he was a bit bigger. He could do that, because he was a boy. Girls couldn’t grow beards. That would just be silly.

“Tickling Honda, what shall we do?” Mr Jamie looked over at the Tickling Honda, who looked VERY worried.

“Um … um … um … well, I suppose we’ll just have to sit here and see what happens. Get your sword out, and if they start getting fierce then, well, just wave them at it and see if that makes them go away.”

“Shall we do our fierce faces?”, asked Mr Jamie. He had an excellent fierce face which he had been practising for a moment just like this one.

“If you like”, said the Tickling Honda. “Right then. Here they come. Don’t look scared, whatever you do …”

And, with their fiercest faces on, Mr Jamie, Beth, and the Tickling Honda watched as the ship drew up beside the cot, a rope was thrown over the side, and down the rope, heading towards them, came a very, very Bad looking Cloud Pirate …